Hasbro Pledges Additional 30 Marbles For Hippo-Hunger Relief
PAWTUCKET, RI - With global famine worsening, Hasbro pledged an additional 30 white marbles Monday to hippo-hunger relief efforts. "To see those starving, starving hippos just lying there, not knowing if they will ever get another chance to click and clack for life-giving marbles ”it's too much for anyone to bear," Hasbro spokeswoman Lisa Reiderer said. "We cannot stand idly by while these sweet plastic creatures slowly die. It is up to all of us to get the most marbles for our hippos."
Couple Always Like This
QUINCY, MA - Longtime couple Scott Pfaff and Lisa Baumgartner have pretty much always been like this, sources close to the pair revealed Monday. "This is definitely no news-flash," said mutual friend Stacie Pritkin, who recently hosted a party during which the pair was at it as usual. "You hang out with those two, you learn to expect that sort of stuff." Said Pfaff's friend Mark Dohn: "I was at the mall with them once when they started getting like that - right in Radio Shack."
United States Toughens Image With Umlauts
WASHINGTON, DC - In a move designed to make the United States seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," Congress passed a bill Monday changing the nation's name to the United States of America. "Much like Motley Crue and Motorhead, the United States is not to be messed with," said Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK). An upcoming redesign of the American flag will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new national anthem is also in the works, to be written by composer Glenn Danzig and tentatively titled "Howl Of The She-Demon."
(this one's not quite the same without the umlauts.. check it out here.)
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