I find myself not as pleased or happy with a situation as I thought I would. In my last 'blog' I mentioned getting a job that would last just over two weeks. If I had been offered the job at the end of September or the beginning of October, I would have been thrilled to get it. Now, I feel as if I might be shirking some duty that I've come to accept as a God led purpose for my life for the time being. I find my mind and my heart in a tug of war between a selfishness and a friend. I want to be here for my friend at this point in her life. I don't want to feel like I'm abandoning her. A thought that I'm very ashamed to admit to (Stephanie, please forgive me for thinking it) was, "Well, maybe he'll die before I have to leave". I don't want him to die at all. Who ever in their right mind WANTS someone to die? Stephanie, and more recently, her family has begun to mean a lot to me. I find myself very easily attached to a family, especially one with as much love and potential for love as hers has. Her dad is almost like a dad to me, not that he's ever been like a father figure, or anything, but just he's always been very kind to me and joked around with me, and made me feel welcome. I want to be around for Stephanie and her mom and her dad for as long as he's around. Everything about these past few months feels like it's been leading me and preparing me to be available for her and her family. And now, I get what I've been wanting for a while, but I feel uncertain. I want to be here for them. Do I not need to be?

What do You want of me? What am I to do?