Why God, when everything is going fine, does something have to go wrong, or does somebody or something have to mess it up? This sucks. I'm NOT happy with it at all. I'm shaking. Why, when someone begins to redevote their life to yYou, especially in the middle of bad times when doubting is much easier, would you allow another to do the emotional equivalent of hitting someone head on in a car to that believer who is just trying to get a grip on things?

I was at church at 8:30am today. It was great. There was no worship going on other than that of two creative minds trying to bring glory to God through 70 feet of steel trussing, 30 feet of chain, and ten ETC SourFour ParNel lights. By three o'clock, we had created a masterpiece. There was one large 30 foot section and two smaller (only slightly) 20 foot sections. The larger section was suspended in air at an angle of 20-30 degrees from horizontal. The other two sections intersected that one... one on the left suspended by one end at an angle of around 70-80 degrees. The third section was on the right and was suspended at an angle of around 45 degrees. We hung the ten lights on the trussing sections and aimed them AT the trusses in order to actually light up the trussing and paint it like a canvas for lights. We used an awesome blue called Zephyr Blue and an excellent green color, along with lighting it from the top with a Salmon color to give it some "heat". When we were done, we tested it out. This structure gives the feeling of a cold, desolate industrial kind of area, with a touch of heat, but not like warm-happy-good-feeling heat... a nasty, hot, sweaty, yukky hot heat-ness. Satisfied with our job. We praised God and left, thankful that He has given us these awesome gifts, and grateful that we are able to use them for His Glory!

I recently read a blog that puts the female gender in not too good of a light. I'd like to make an adendem to my prayers for a girlfriend. God, when I meet this woman that You are preparing me for, please allow her to fit almost seamlessly into my life. Please give me the strength to be my own person, and allow me the knowledge I need to combine my "worlds". Also, please remind me to not forget about my other friends and hurt people as many have done to me in the past, present, and I'm sure will happen again in the future. Grant me peace in knowing that one day I'll meet her, and that it will be a joy for You to see two of Your children bonded on a deep level. Thank You for this day, and for all the blessings in my life, especially those that I may not recognize and take for granted. Your loving servant, Scott.

I have found that certain people can affect your mood. Not so much mood, really, as affecting your feelings. I have this one friend, and it never fails that if I'm in a bad mood and I talk to them, I usually end up feeling better or at least my mood has lightened a little bit, and the opposite is true. When this friend is sad or depressed, I experience it, too. Not quite to the same degree or level they are, but I shift a little bit. Maybe it's something like sympathy pains or that sort. Or maybe it's just because I care so much about this person and have so much invested that I really feel what they're going through. My friend is the greatest. I sometimes want to be selfish and keep this person to myself, but that's not right. I hope everyone in some way or another has a friend like mine. Here's to you, friend!

Good things happen to those who wait. But sometimes you have to help it along.

Update: I've talked about a job in a couple of blogs over the past couple weeks. Well, I just want to say that I am looking more forward to the job as each day passes. My only sadness is that I won't see my church family for two weeks. Bummer.

Think about these for a moment.

- No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

- Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

- A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

- The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

- Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

- To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

- Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

- Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

- Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

- There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

- Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

- Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

Music is a window to the soul.

I feel great today. I don't really have anything to do, but it doesn't really matter. I woke up this morning, and went back to sleep... and then I didn't wake up until almost noon. Something I haven't done in a LONG time. I usually wake up around nine o'clock, and get out of bed to at least feel productive. But I guess my body was trying to tell me something, trying to tell me that I went from zero to sixty in 0.34 seconds, and that it wasn't quite ready for that. I'm gearing up for a really busy two weeks, so I think that makes me enjoy the regular lazy days a little better, and not feel like I HAVE to have something to do. It's nice to have stuff to do, but it's more fun to have people to do stuff with!

Ah, Thank God for today!

It's hard when someone you care about is hurting and you feel like you have an emotionally helpful equivalent of two left feet.

I want to do more, friend!

To edit a friend's blog a little:

It's hard when someone you care about disappoints you ANY time.

Quinten Tarantino has been watching WAY too much Anime lately.

I got the chance to watch Kill Bill today, practically had the theater to myself. Thankfully, and unknowingly, a friend of mine had warned me about a certain part of the movie, that I definitely would not have wanted to see. I kind of guess from the situation that that was where the particular event would occur... so I averted my eyes until I heard the slashing sound and a cry of pain from a man's Achilles tendon being severed. I very much agree with the same friend on the movie. I think it was very well written, and the characters were developed very well, but it was like I was looking at a painting... something people say, "That looks nice" and "I love the (insert what you love here)." I haven't seen many of Tanatino's movies, but I've heard that he really likes to show movies out of order (in a sense), and I know that other movies that have been like that I have sometimes had a difficult time following the plot lines. But in Kill Bill, I often found myself going, "OOOoooHHhhhh..., I get it." I was a little sad that Lucy Liu's character died in this volume, I would've loved to see that Nurse chick get it in the stomach, and let Liu live on to the next movie.

It was a good escape for a couple hours. I can't wait for Volume Two!

Sometimes people stumble, and when that happens we shouldn't say, "You always do that", we should say, "here, let me help you up, and find a way for you to not trip like that again."

Today really is mine. Today, I am selfish. Today, I am making ME happy. Sorry world, solve your own problems, today, I don't care!

God, give me understanding.

Good morning world! I have something to look forward to today!

Hey God, I'm working on my part... how about you? Any progress?

One of the saddest truths about people, is that they forget. One instance of forgetting is that of a friend who becomes involved with someone and suddenly they don't have a lot of time for their friend. I've witnessed this more times than I can count, and I've experienced it more times than that. It's hurtful. It makes you feel unimportant in others lives. God, if this is a lesson, I think You've taught me well. Please don't allow me to put any of my friends through this if I meet someone. I want to incorporate that person into my life, not neglect my life for that person. I want to add on to my life, not replace it. Forgive me if I've hurt others in this way, and please grant me peace in this area.

I really enjoyed having things to do this past week. Things to keep me busy, people to talk to. Mostly I really enjoyed being out of my apartment, and with people. Right now, all I have is the TV.

... awww, who am I kidding, I'm just going to waste my day around my apartment until something better comes along. I hate this part of me. The part of me that won't allow myself to call and ask someone to go do something because they may say that they're busy, which will just feel like rejection. So I just sit and wait until someone plans something and invites me... or until my regular weekly events happen.

What a sad part of life.

I'm getting out of here. Today is mine! I would like to direct your attention to a blog posted on Friday, October 17, 2003 @ 12:30am, and then at 12:30pm.
=====
"Friday will be my day to catch up on all the movies my friends have gone to see without me. Just me, Kill Bill, School of Rock, and an empty seat right next to me... just like old times.

This is going to be pathetic." -12:30am
=====
Love. Sacrifice. Laughter. Compassion. A hug. A kind word.
These are the greatest tools of friendship. Remember them. Use them.

BE them. -12:30pm
=====
Well, I feel I've done one of those things, but not the other. Time to do the other, unless of course it becomes necessary not to in order to do the other one again...

and I would do it again, without thought.

The mixed feelings I was talking about yesterday... well, I can't say that I'm happy, but I'm not really sad. Just in an even kind of mood, I guess. When you've been really happy for a few days in a row and had plenty to do, even an even kind of mood feels bad.

Worried. Not to the point that it's debilitating, but enough that it's usually in my mind somewhere. Quiet times... it's the worst. Distractions are a good thing, but only for a short while, eventually I need to deal with my worry. Needless to say, I'm worried.

I have mixed feelings about tomorrow. I want it to come, so I can see what great things can happen in my life and in others lives. I don't want it to come, because I've had such a great weekend, and I don't want it to end. I wouldn't be surprised if I have some withdrawal symptoms tomorrow.

As you can tell, Saturday I went on a retreat to Red River Gorge with some of the most awesome people I know and have met. We spent all day in prayer and contemplation and community. And then we went rock climging and hiking. Then today, I got to spend some more time with a great friend of mine. We saw a musical called "Bat Boy". One of the coolest shows I've seen, by far. It's one of those shows you really just need to see in order to understand... and then we went to eat, and then I went to church and was supposed to answer a question pertaining to what we had gotten out of our small groups on Tuesday night. I listened to all the other people answer their questions, and they all sounded eloquent and passionate and great... then it was my turn, and I just felt like a big idiot... I don't know if I even made any sense, or if I was even putting whole thoughts together in any kind of order... but I really enjoyed the service, the music was especially great tonight. Then I stayed to help take down the environment and some of went out to eat, and I had a lot of fun. It may not seem like I'm portraying the intensity of this weekend or the amount of postive vibes that I received, but it was incredible. So I think I may be a little down tomorrow.

I hope I'm wrong.

Miscelaneous thoughts, sayings, feelings from today:
======================================

- He'll never give you a bigger challenge than you can handle.

- "I desire more desire"

- "Where's Stick!? ... STICK!!"

- Searching for a travel companion

- I need to read more C.S. Lewis

- "Why does everything have to be so complicated?"

- Burning Bush --- Burning Heart --- Burning Desire

- I've been given an amazing, peaceful, warm gift call the love of God, and of friends.

After a rousing game of paper, rock, scissors, and a rest stop, I'm back to writing in my paper "blog", so I can type it out later. The road is mostly smooth again, and I'm feeling much better. This trip was the closest thing to rock climbing that I've ever done, and just being outdoors was amaing. The group of people that I was with really made the day... especially since I was able to share it with my best friend. I had one weak moment this afternoon where I would have likee to shar the moment with a significant other... but it was only a feleetign moment, particularly after I looked back around and noticed I was surrounded by loving and caring friends, and again looking nex to me to see my friend Stephanie. God, You are truly amazing. How great it is to see all these people share themselves with you and each other. Lord, thank You for EVERTYTHING. Thank you for sending these people into my life.

Thank You for Stephanie and Ben for pushing me, challenging me, helping me grow as a Christian, and getting me involved in this church.

This has truly been an awesome and amazing experience. I never really know what to expect on trips or events like these, but I definitely feel challenged, and peaceful, and even a little better about myself and life in general. The overall package of this retreat was great. Getting the chance to just personally reflect in nature with God set me up for the rest of the day. I really enjoyed being able to get away and talk with these people outside our normal environments. The walk/hike was amazing with some great moments of reflection and contemplation for me. There were also plenty of opportunities to take great photos. We had a blast with some of the rock formations and levels to create some interesting scenes. Now three people are passing the time by playing paper, rock, scissors.

... I think I'll join them.

What an experience!! That's all I can write until we hit straight level pavement. Car Sick. Not scared this time, though.

I don't know how well I can write in the car right now, but I'd like to say that this is the lowest part of this trip. I am getting Sooooo car sick that I'm about to cry. Winding curvy roads. It sucks to be in the back seat. We're on our way to the Gorge. I can't wait to get out and hike and be with these awesome people and God!

It's fun to imagine older people doing things you'd never expect of them. Like wrestling... or mud wrestling. Or doing backflips down a hallway naked.

"I desire more desire."

Hoedown Island... what a great name for a place!

Sitting in a peaceful and quiet place is a thing I need to do more often. It is so much easier to reflect on your day and to admire the beautiful gifts God has given to us when we are not distracted by "things"; T.V., internet, games, CD's, etc. I'm going to make it a goal of mine to take at least one day a week to just kind of get away, to sit some place quiet and reflect and think and pray. Thank You, Lord, for this peaceful place, my life, my friends, and my salvation.

As I was writing and reflectiong while looking over the trees and the lake and the hills, and basking in all their beauty, I came to a particular thought that just stopped me in my tracks. I could go no further, I was blocked. After a couple minutes of this blockage, a single leaf fell from a tree somewhere around me and it landed right on my knee. Suddenly the wrote freely again. I felt very much at peach. It was kind of like a quick "hello" from God, and Him saying, "thanks for thinking of Me, here's a little something to remind you that I'm thinking of you."

...Thank you, God.

Challenge: Dive into scripture!!
Desire: Cannonball out of comfort zone; be who God intended

I love this church (Crossroads). Especially how great the people are, and how welcoming and safe you can feel there and with them. It's a feeling I've only felt on a very small scale before, and it's a completely freeing feeling and sensation!

God is Great!

What a beautiful day! I was up earlier than I had been in a while. I started my day before the SUN even clocked in. The best parts up until this point were getting to see my best friend the first thing in the morning and getting to share watching the sunrise with some of the warmest and coolest people I know.

And the day has just started!

I've been very fortunate the past week. But the past couple of days got me a little down. I missed getting to talk with and see my friend. I guess I'm going through withdrawal from her. Luckily, I get another dose tomorrow! I just hope I'm feeling somewhere between 75 and 95% of my full self for the retreat, I'm really looking forward to it!

A new day is dawning in my evening! The choirs are rejoicing, the angels are harking, and the hamsters are running! I have the internet again after three days!!!!!!!!! Ah, my poor blog, how you've been neglected by my irritation at this mass data transmission superhighway!

Being sick really sucks. I remember as a kid being sick and watching the rest of the neighborhood kids play as usual through my front window. Even if I was beginning to feel better, there was no way that Mom would've let me go play. "Too sick for school, too sick for play". That was the one way my Mom kept me from faking being sick... she knew that I might be a little sick, but that I could probably tough it out, and if I did and felt really crappy when I came home, then the next day I wouldn't go to school at all. My mom had me figured out. The days I was REALLY sick, I would try to go to school and tell mom I was fine. If I would try to convince her that I was sick, she would convince me to go to school. The funny thing is, sometimes she went ahead and let me stay home. She always seemed to know when I was faking something, but just because I needed a kind of personal day. It didn't happen all the time. I must admit, right around the time my father passed away, it happened more often, and later in life, mom asked me, and I told her how much I faked it, and she knew. I love my mom. But this story isn't meant to be about her. It's about being sick, and how much you feel like you miss out when you stay at home. I have a bunch of friends that I'm really missing right now, because they are all bowling. I'm not just missing out on the bowling, but the forging ahead of relationships and friendships. Now I feel doubly miserable. And what's worse, the internet doesn't work right now (9:29pm) and so I can't even check my e-mail or anything.

I feel so cut-off right now.

A very unusual couple of days for me. Yesterday, I went to have lunch with my friend in Lexington. It was great. I always love having lunch with her. Some of the best conversations I've ever had are with her. She's such an intelligent person. Anyway, I'm kind of straying from the point. So, I had parked in a parking garage, like I always do when I visit her. I was planning on grabbing some cash from an ATM in order to pay for the parking when I left. Well, this is where the strangeness starts. I try an ATM, my pin # won't work. So I call my friend, and she doesn't have any cash and wouldn't be able to get any. I ask her if there are any banks or businesses that might cash a check around there, she directs me to a few, so I walk to a couple businesses and noone will cash a check, not even with purchase or anything. I go to two different banks and of course they won't cash checks drawn on another bank or they won't cash a check unless you have an account. So I call my friend back. And basically the plan was for me to just hang around in downtown until she got off work, and then she could drive me around the rest of the day, I could get some cash from SOMEWHERE and I'd ride back with her in the morning. So that began my exploration of downtown Lexington. I sat inside Starbucks for about 30-45 minutes, then I walked around and looked inside stores and the like. I finally found a place to waste a good amount of time. There's this nice Restaurant/Billiards Hall/Bar inside Heritage Hall called Yesterday's. The atmosphere is really neat and nice. They play a lot of blues and jazz music. I was the only person in there other than the bar tender. Eventually playing pool by yourself just gets old, and by that time it was a little after four o'clock. I started doing a little more exploring of downtown, and then my friend called me (she's super-sweet) to check up on me and see how I was doing, and to offer me a seat in the lobby of the office she works in. Since there wasn't too much longer left before she was free to go, I went ahead and met her there. After that, I went with her to see her father in the hospital. And I had a very nice visit with her parents and her. It almost didn't even feel like we were in a hospital, we were joking around and just talking about this and that... the only thing that kept reminding me we were in a hospital was the fact that a nurse would check in every so often to take his blood pressure, or to make sure his IV was still chugging along. After that, she had rehearsal, and I tagged along. After rehearsal she had plans to go out with some of her gal friends, and I tagged along there as well. I felt kind of bad, because I know that people need to have their away spaces and times and that sort. The whole night I felt like an old piece of luggage being drug around...

She made me feel like a jewel carried on a pillow, and displayed me proudly.

I find myself not as pleased or happy with a situation as I thought I would. In my last 'blog' I mentioned getting a job that would last just over two weeks. If I had been offered the job at the end of September or the beginning of October, I would have been thrilled to get it. Now, I feel as if I might be shirking some duty that I've come to accept as a God led purpose for my life for the time being. I find my mind and my heart in a tug of war between a selfishness and a friend. I want to be here for my friend at this point in her life. I don't want to feel like I'm abandoning her. A thought that I'm very ashamed to admit to (Stephanie, please forgive me for thinking it) was, "Well, maybe he'll die before I have to leave". I don't want him to die at all. Who ever in their right mind WANTS someone to die? Stephanie, and more recently, her family has begun to mean a lot to me. I find myself very easily attached to a family, especially one with as much love and potential for love as hers has. Her dad is almost like a dad to me, not that he's ever been like a father figure, or anything, but just he's always been very kind to me and joked around with me, and made me feel welcome. I want to be around for Stephanie and her mom and her dad for as long as he's around. Everything about these past few months feels like it's been leading me and preparing me to be available for her and her family. And now, I get what I've been wanting for a while, but I feel uncertain. I want to be here for them. Do I not need to be?

What do You want of me? What am I to do?

Today was a pretty good day, over all. I got to see a friend that I haven't seen too much of lately, and we had lunch. I got an e-mail for a job that will last for about two weeks and pay pretty decently, and pay for a couple of trips I want to take next year. I also got to spend a couple hours with some of the greatest people I've gotten to know in a while... some of the most genuine and suprising people I think I may've ever met. I feel so much better about everything when I'm around them. I don't feel like some pathetic person, I absolutely feel like I matter. I don't feel as if I fell off the planet, no one would miss me, or wonder where I was. I feel like I'm wanted and loved and special. It's a lot like how I felt the first time I ever experienced that kind of feeling, when I met my friend Stephanie... except now it's multiplied and greater than ever. Unfortunately, I had to ask a question, that I don't think I was quite prepared for the answer. I will NOT let this get the best of me, I will NOT let this send me down some dark road where I may have traveled in the past. I will NOT turn away from Christ as I'm drawing closer to him, and I will NOT let my friends, or myself down. Friend, I need your help. I may need to talk a lot about this. I KNOW I will need Your help, God. Please keep me from stumbling backwards.

A while ago I posted a blog that was very simple, but very important.

"Love. Sacrifice. Laughter. Compassion. A hug. A kind word.
These are the greatest tools of friendship. Remember them. Use them.

BE them." - 12:06 PM, 10.17.03

Please Lord, don't let me falter in these... not now, not ever.

I just got an e-mail for a gig happening in November. It would require me packing up and being out of town for a little over two weeks. I kind of have been expecting this job. But it kinda came to me out of the blue and without warning. Now, I'm plagued with the thought of not being able to be at church for these weeks, especially now that I've gotten so involved with the service that I primarily attend. I'm glad that a series is ending, but the new one seems just as appealing as the first. I will miss THREE WEEKS of Sundays. The series is only five weeks long. I'll be here for the first and last. It's a good job, a nice resume' builder, and I know it'll be fun to work with these people, I have no doubt about that. Then what are you worried about? That people are going to forget about you? That you're going to miss out on a lot of opportunities to draw closer to God and to the friends you've made there? ... Yeah, kind of.

... on a side note, God. Thanks for giving life to the creative and funny minds of those people who create, run, and update the website HomestarRunner.com.

God, I may not always realize what Your plan for me in the long run is. But I get what I need to be doing and just what I need to be, for right now. I've never felt so peaceful about a choice I've made. Everything I've done in the past four months, You've used for a greater plan than just my selfishness. You are wonderful, and amazing, and graceful, and forgiving. And I'm glad that I know You, and that You have used me and grown in me and hopefully I've let Your awesome-nicity shine through in my day-to-day actions. I trust You with my life, now more than ever.

So how's that girlfriend thing coming along?

I got to spend the day with THE coolest person on the face of the planet. No I'm not talking about Brad Pitt, or Jennifer Aniston... I'm talking about an even cooler person than that... and I'm sure much more friendly, and a hundred times kinder than anyone else you or I know. I used to get to hang out with this person all the time. But due to a lot of things, that's been a big hole in my life that no one else could fill. That person would be my best friend in the world. I'm so lucky to know her. She genuinely brightens my day anytime I'm around her, whether she realizes it or not. She has a huge heart, and I'm just grateful that she has made a little corner in it for me.

This corner is warm and welcoming. Thanks for the home, friend.

More Dreams: I don't remember the actual events in my dreams from last night, I just remember the feelings associated with them. I felt afraid, and sad. I also felt nervous and worried. I wish I could remember more.

Women:
When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity. From one bone, I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects man's life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do. Around this one bone, I shaped you....I modeled you. I created you perfectly and beautifully.

Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the centre of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart.

Support man as the rib cage supports the body. You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side. You are my perfect angel.....

You are my beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart. Your eyes......don't change them. Your lips -- how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose, so perfect in form. Your hands so gentle to touch. I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep. I've held your heart close to mine. Of all that lives and breathes, you are most like me. Adam walked with me in the cool of the day, yet he was lonely. He could not see me or touch me.

He could only feel me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you; my holiness, my strength, my purity, my love, my protection and support. You are special because you are an extension of me.

Man represents my image, woman my emotions. Together, you represent the totality of God.

So man......treat woman well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile.

Love, God

CARACAS, Venezuela (Reuters) - A group of Venezuelan prisoners sewed their lips together in a grisly protest to demand a transfer to another jail, officials say.
The protest at El Rodeo jail west of Caracas took place amid a spate of prison shootings this week that killed four inmates in the South American country, national prisons director Col. Carlos Alberto Sutrun told Reuters.

"A group of prisoners sewed their lips together. They made a stitch with needle and thread," he said Thursday.

Eleven El Rodeo inmates had sewed their mouths up Monday and eight had not removed the stitches as of Thursday. They were demanding to be returned to a jail from which they had been moved this year following a riot. Sutrun said that authorities had agreed to the move.

Sutrun also said the protesters could still eat and drink "through the corners of their mouths."

Venezuela's overcrowded jails have a reputation for appalling conditions and violence.

I can't get over how much at home I feel at this church. You know how sometimes you meet people, and it's just really neat because it's something new, and so after a little while, you and the people don't click any more... well, it doesn't seem to be letting up at church. The people there are genuine and kind and loving.... thank You God, for keeping two of my good friends on my back to get involved with this place. You've answered a really big prayer for me. Now... let's talk about that girl that You want for me. Where is she? Huh? I'm here for Your glory, but it would make it easier to give You my whole being, if I had the other half of me. As I am... I am incomplete, without You and without her.

Lead me to her. Show her to me, God.

And with the sound of the squeeking front door closing... I am alone, again. Left with my longing for companionship. My want of laughter. A kind voice... I could go for a hug.

Cheesecake Saturday night.

It's great how you can not see certain people for months at a time, but still feel like you're one big family, and not feel any kind of weirdness when you see them. No "getting readjusted" to them or anything. You can pretty much just pick up where you left off... and you can act as completely stupid or as completely sane as you want. That's how it is with my "family" from Jenny Wiley Theatre. For instance, Brad (my boss) and I got into it several times this past summer when I worked there, but I saw him tonight, and after a few minutes, it never even occured to me that I had been upset with him at all. I feel for the most part, I have made correct guesses as to who I invest myself into. This is a group of people that I know I'll get a good return from. We're not real deep, but that's cool. I've got other friends to fulfill that need or desire. It's just a lot of fun, with a dose or two of deepness.

I keep being amazed by God in my life. I ask him for strength and he gives it to me... right up until the point that I don't need it anymore. My best friend's father went to the hospital today, and wanting to help her out anyway I could, I went with her to visit him. All the way to the hospital I prayed for strength... because I hadn't been in a hospital since MY father died when I was twelve (thirteen years ago). I feel like such a failure sometimes when it comes to being able to say the right words or to be able to be there at the moment when someone is needed most, but today, I know that God granted me the strength that I asked for, and the strength that I needed. I went into that hospital and I was fine. Luckily her dad didn't have as many tubes, needles, and machines hooked up to him as mine did. So it was a little easier than I thought. I love her parents... they are some of the coolest people I know. Her dad, especially, has a great sense of humor. And I enjoy talking with them. Well, my friend and I (and actually, her mom, too) hadn't eaten in a while, so we went to grab some food. After we ate, I started to leave and my friend thanked me for just being there. That meant to me that I was of some use in this whole scheme of things.. at least at this moment. So I walked to my car, unlocked the door, climbed inside, closed the door, put the key in the ignition, turned on the car, and started bawling. My time of strength was over. All my memories of MY father came flooding back. Camping, Christmas, dinners, every day events, learning to ride my bike, vacations, golfing. Then... my dad lying on the couch with an oxygen tank. The hospital. Tubes coming out of my father, the strongest man I knew, lying weak in a bed. Home; My mom helping my dad to just walk to the bathroom. The ambulance in the middle of the night. My mom forcing me to stay at home to go to school the next day. The principal coming to get me. Seeing my Priest and my Mom in the same room. Then the years of hating God, and then the struggle of knowing God was right, but not understanding why it had to happen. Seeing kids out with their fathers. Fathers coming to see band concerts, tennis games, plays, award ceremonies, and graduation. All this came back to me as I traveled home. My strength gone. Vanished with the turn of a key. I cried most of the way home.

For my friend. I'd go through it all again. I love you, friend.

Who knew an offhand comment using a quote from some public service announcement could bring a smile into a day of misery?

Keeping in touch. It's a tough thing to do. But what really is the kicker here, is how people will send you a million forwards, but when you write them, it's too much for them to write back... takes too much time, I guess. All I ask for is someone to e-mail me something with a little more substance. Even superficial substance would be fine. I'm not looking to be deep over the internet, just want to know how my friends lives are going and what they're up to and in to.

Too much to ask? The world may never know.

Tools of Friendship

Love. Sacrifice. Laughter. Compassion. A hug. A kind word.
These are the greatest tools of friendship. Remember them. Use them.

BE them.

Friday will be my day to catch up on all the movies my friends have gone to see without me. Just me, Kill Bill, School of Rock, and an empty seat right next to me... just like old times.

This is going to be pathetic.

A couple of links to check out.
News: Real 007 Dies

.... okay.... so upon further investigation... there's only one link to check out... currently. Sorry.

Ooh la la!
------------

DOMONT, France (Reuters) - French high school students are up in arms over a drive by teachers to ban some of their most cherished items, ranging from cigarettes to G-strings.
France's center-right government has declared war on the quintessentially French habit of smoking, angering many teenagers who fear a slip into a "no fun"-state as the popular thong has also become a thorn in the eye of authorities.

"We're not allowed to smoke anywhere on the school grounds any more. They treat us like babies," said Melodie Gambero, a 17-year-old student in Domont, north of Paris, who went on strike with fellow students last week against the new rules.

French law allows smoking at schools in designated areas, but the government, in its drive to crush the habit, is encouraging schools to become smoke-free zones.

"About half of all the students here smoke," said David Perochon, 19, adding a few hundred of the school's 1,200 students had participated in the one-day strike, which had not succeeded in changing the headmistress's mind.

The controversial smoking rules are being introduced in many schools as teachers are also trying to ban girls from showing off thongs and bellies above their low-cut trousers, provoking angry protests from fashion-conscious adolescents.

Hitting the same nerve, a French advertising association this month took the unusual step of ordering an underwear maker to withdraw a billboard campaign for its thong range, depicting three scantily clad pole dancers, following public protests.

Have you ever had one of those nights where it just seems like everyone has a life, but you. The kind where you call 20 people, but everyone has plans, or is too busy. Yep. Well, that's tonight. So here I am, sitting at my computer and typing in a journal on the internet instead of interacting with real people. Life is great!

In actuality, this effin blows.

Nothing happened today. Literally nothing. Except the fact that I thought I was going to die at one point today. Not really. I was really scared, though. Until I found out it wasn't too serious. Then I was mostly fine... I was shaken. My armpits hurt. Really badly.

Cleaning your room can be quite theraputic.

The laundry is done! Finally!

... but God is greater!

Technology is great.

As you may be able to tell, I've been praying a lot lately. What's on here is just the stronger-felt, and more passionate prayers and praises. Well, I think tonight at around 15 after midnight, one of my prayers was answered... or maybe God is giving me the terms for answering my prayers. I haven't been feeling too well the past few days, I've had some bowel issues... but that's all you need to know for me to continue. So I was going to the bathroom, and I wanted to take something to read with me... so I opened up a box of comic books, and what did I see? The bible I was given by my church for graduating high school. Now, I haven't been able to find this bible since I moved to Richmond, and I haven't looked at any of my comics... can you guess? Since I moved to Richmond. That was over three years ago!! Last week at my connection/small group meeting, I was challenged to start diving into scripture, to really learn from it, but I hadn't actually taken the plunge, yet. I don't know if I should take this as some kind of clue or not. I'm really not used to getting signals from God or anything, so I'm trying to be semi-objective... but I can't help but think that my prayer actually did something... but God wants a little more from me before I'm ready, I guess, to recieve more of his gifts. Today starts a new day.

God, You give me such an energy boost! I love it! Please let it last! Create in me a beautiful work of art. But I know I am an incomplete work. Fullfill my desire for completion.

Why? How many more times is this going to be thrown in my face? How many more times are You going to show me that people together are happy? I know that. I want that. Please let me experience this!

Confusion:
I don't understand what this is all for. Why, when I've done so much to try not to worry about something, would You allow it back into my mind. Why? Am I suddenly ready for this part of Your plan? I want this so much. Relationships are what we were meant for, and I don't understand why I've been deprived of the second greatest kind that you created. Please, give me understanding or let me forget this emptiness. Your will is Your will. But this is my desire! To be able to completely connect with another human being, with no barriers, with complete comfort and safety. To be able to completely know another, and for them to completely know me, the true me, and for us to be able to rejoice in that great gift that You gave us. Why am I constantly and consistently denied this!? I desire this connection. It is not merely something I want, but it is something I NEED. I want to buy a movie, I need food... and I need this. I am not complete. You in all Your wisdom, know this. You did not create us to be alone. Lord, as I am, I am only half a person. If the other half of me is out there and ready for me, please make it happen, show them to me, reveal to me Your plan! This is torture, Lord. I am not so nieve to think that all this doesn't have it's purpose, I just desire to know what it is. I desire to know You and know Your purpose for me at this moment, at least.
Anger:
Why must people I care for suffer? Take the heart of my friend and that of her family, and wrap them up in a big warm blanket and give them the biggest hug you can. Help them through their grieving, don't let them fight it. You are God. The beginning and the end, and You love us... make that love shine more brilliant in their lives than ever before.
Gratitude:
Lord, You have given me many gifts, and blessed me many times. I could have an incurable disease or come from a broken home... but You walked with me the whole time, sometimes I ignored You, but You were always there, picking me up if I fell, and I fell often. You are the great and awesome Creator of Everything. The warm sunny day with a wisp of cloud is Your work of art. Thank You for Your greatness, for all Your gifts to us. Thank You for the gifts I've received, especially for my friendships... or friendship. But I think You and I are both realizing that I was making some bad choices with the people I let in. You've shown me a place that I can be safe. Thanks, God. A lot of those songs and psalms really know what they're talking about.

Dreams are a funny thing. There are the kind of dreams you dream while awake, not like waking dreams, but "I have a dream!" dreams. We can dream of a better life, or dream of one day getting that job, or that we'll win a very important prize one day. Now the kind you dream at night tell us a lot about ourselves, if we can understand them. Sometimes dreams are pretty messed up. Last night I had a dream that I was working somewhere along side this girl... it's not anyone I knew, or recognize from real life... but I felt like I knew her in my dream. She was cute, she had short dark brown hair and was apparently very attractive to me, and I guess I was to her. We talked a lot, and we were talking, and talking, and it seemed that we had a lot in common, and at one point I just leaned over and kissed her, and we clicked. MAN did we click. I don't know if this was just my mind and my heart communicating and God telling me, "She is out there" or if it was just one of those tricks our mind likes to play on us because it's something that's been rolling around in there for longer than it should be. It was nice, and real, and very comfortable. And then I woke up, and I felt empty. Like the one great love of my life had been taken away from me. And as I laid there half awake trying to remember her, a thought came over me. You're never going to experience that, truly.

Doctors are probably my least favorite people in the world. I've had a bad past with Doctors... I've recieved a lot of bad news from them.

"You're not a big enough dork, Scott, here's some glasses so the kids at school can make fun of you." - "Hey, Scott... you're dad has cancer." - "Hey looky there, Scott, your dad is dead" - "Okay, what we're going to do now is put little pieces of metal on your teeth, and then attach a wire connecting all of them... THEN once or twice a month for the next two and a half years, you must come BACK so that we can sit you in this chair and tighten them until you cry. Oh, and not to mention the kids at school who didn't already make fun of you... well, heh, the will now!" - "Sorry Scott, but you have a floating eye... it's going to get worse as you get older, and we'll probably have to cut it out eventually, but Pirates look cool with those patches, right?!" - "Guess what, Scott!? Thanks to school, you've developed a crooked back, and developed what we call, you're "effed" syndrome, on the bright side we caught it right at the moment that there's nothing we can do about it."

But really the one that I didn't mind going to, was the eye doctor... it was the easiest... no needles, no pain, no touching me "down there" and telling me to cough! I'm very thankful that there are doctors... a lot of people would die or live horrible lives without them... some of my family are even doctors, and definitely love them. Anyway, I went to the eye doctor yesterday for the first time in about three years, and that was great. I love being able to see, and I thank God that he gave someone the inventive mind to create contact lenses.

Contacts...Helping dorks blend in since 1945.

Taking a cue from a good friend of mine, here ya' go:

MOSCOW (Reuters) - A Russian man may wish he had stuck with having dirty trousers after an imaginative attempt to purge a stubborn paint stain on them destroyed his apartment.
The unnamed Muscovite added a liter of petrol to his washing machine to help dissolve the stain, Itar-Tass news agency reported Monday, but the ensuing explosion wrecked his kitchen and demolished two internal walls.

Moscow police confirmed there had been an explosion in a south-eastern Moscow apartment, but would not comment on the cause.

Stardate One-Zero-One-Three-Zero-Three Point Seven.

I've always wanted to do that. yeah, I'm a dork. Nothing really big to talk about today. I had a great lunch with a great friend, we talked a lot, and she needed someone to listen. I listened, and I tried to help with her problems... but I always feel like I'm just a waste of time, that I'm not really any help. I really want to help and make her feel better, but I'm not always the best person for advice, and so when she comes to ME to talk, I feel very honored that she's seeking my advice, or comfort from me, or my ear instead of someone else's. I pray for a lot of strength, compassion, and wisdom, just so I won't do more harm than anything else. Okay, so there was something big to talk about today... but that's not big... that's just life. Then I went for an eye exam. It's been a while since I had one of those.... feels good to be able to see better again. And then I was on my way to a meeting that was cancelled, no big deal there. And now I'm back home, enjoying a nice relaxing evening while the apartment is empty... (sigh of contentment)

Why do I feel that if I don't spend a little bit of time writing in this blog each day, that it's like I'm neglecting a friend? Maybe I'll have more to say tomorrow... or later.

Sorry friend.

Thank you, God, for keeping something in my life stable and constant. It's really nice to go somewhere and have people genuinely happy to see you, instead of fake niceties. Take my Life, Lord, and make it into something beautiful, something clean, something worthwhile, and new.

More importantly, use it for Your glory!

In the next hour, I'll be leaving my apartment to go home. No, I'm not going to visit my mom, I mean I'm going to church. Since September, I've gotten involved a lot at my church, and I've met a lot of really great people. People who I have a lot of respect for, and people (I'm finding out) I have a lot in common with. I feel safer there, more than I do anywhere that I can think of. No one judges me there. At least I don't have any reason to believe they do. I don't know what I would do if I ever felt unsafe or threatened in that environment. I'm thankful for that place. Thank you God, for giving us the gifts of friendship, compassion, and grace.

Why are my mind and my heart always at war with each other?

Shaking. Anger. Upset. Frustrated.... Fabric Softener.

Women are probably the greatest gift known to man. God new just what we needed and what we wanted. He knew there would be those men out there that would need help getting in touch with their emotional side. That there would be rambunctious and rebellious men, that if they met the right woman, would calm down and be a great benefit to the world. That there are men out there than need a fire lit inside them, and need someone to inspire a passion about something. God made women soft, attractive, warm, smell nice, and blessed many with kindness, intelligence and a sense of humor. Unfortunately for me, it seems like the ones that I meet with the intellegence are too smart to be interested in me... or I guess they think of me as a joke... a really bad joke. So maybe they were meant as a torture device or punishment, as well.

Why can't I meet a woman who will love me?

Life's Lesson number 274. Never offer to share an apartment with your best friend's boyfriend/girlfriend... what happens if/when that boyfriend/girlfriend becomes ex-boyfriend/girlfriend? If all goes well, life will be fine. But when ever does all go well? All this really does is put you smack dab in the middle of a relationship (that's not yours, mind you), hearing all the good and all the bad, without anywhere to just get away from it. Suddenly all the little things that bugged you that you tried to ignore come roaring back and just leave you frustrated with the situation. Plus there's always the possibility of the original friend not feeling able to visit. Another bad thing would be if you really like your roommate. Then it just gets bad for you, trying to have to juggle friends, and that is not a pleasant hobbie... trust me.

Learning Life's lessons... the hard way.

I have this weird taste in my mouth... like I'm afraid of something. My heart rate jumped a little... and there's this warm-tingly feeling. Why? Spider-sense?

I have a friend who has written a lot about coffee today, and Starbucks. Yeah, you know who you are. Anyway, I saw a commercial on TV just now that made me think about her coffee exploits. The commercial opens up with what looks like a marathon, but just on the peoples feet. Noone is wearing tennis shoes, or running shoes. There are a lot of high heels, dress shoes, doc martins, etc, then it shows a bunch of people all dressed up and running to work. People are stopping by a coffee shop like marathon runners grab cups and bottles of water along the side of the road. At the very end of the commercial is the best part, one of the gentlemen that had grabbed a cup of coffee was running with it. He had a very determined look on his face. Suddenly he takes the cup and splashes the coffee on his FACE! Like runners do with water to cool down. Now the reason I felt it important to write about it... is it seems very much like that. People often grab their morning pick-me-ups on their way to work, and it works in essence like a runner splashing water on thier face. Kinda strange. I guess the whold point is: I'd rather have water splashed on me than coffee?

I need a hug.

For sale:

Left Eye, color: blue, weak muscle on bottom side
Left Pinky finger, crooked.
Spinal Column, in the shape of an S.
Heart, broken... barely used.
Soul, empty.

Call for price. Will negotiate

I love music. Music is one of my passions. I love listening to music, and I love playing music. I definitely love singing along with music. I was in the youth choir at my church. I played Alto Sax, Trumpet, and a variety of drums through the course of my High School career. Over the past year or two, I've toyed around with playing the guitar. I started out by taking two lessons while borrowing a friend's accoustic. At first, I lacked the finger strength or dexterity to properly apply pressure on the strings to hit the fretboard... I became very frustrated, very quickly and I quit. I had taken with me the knowledge of the most popularly used chords in Music... G, C, and D. Later I picked up a friend's electric guitar that he had laying around. I found it much easier to press down on the strings. And the spacing of the frets and strings was much easier than an accoustic. It renewed my interest. After about a month playing on his electric, I bought an amp (since he didn't have one) and heard all this other GREAT stuff. The amp had an overdrive switch on it, and I thought it was just the coolest thing... I could get a clean sound, or a variety of rock-like guitar sounds. Shorty after I bought the amp. I bought my first guitar. A Fender: Squire... modeled after the Strat. By far one of the best investments I have made. It is such a great expression of one's self. If I've had a bad day, I can come home and purge my soul for a few minutes by playing a few sad chords... "I guess that's why they call it the blues". Heh. After a while, I got a little bored knowing just four or five chords... so I bought books, watched tapes, looked up sites on the internet to try to further and expand my knowledge base. Then I learned Barre Chords... the staple of Rock and Roll... with these chords, you can take any chord and move it up and down the frets to make MORE CHORDS!

Okay, so that's where I was at as of two days ago. So yesterday, I went in to my local guitar shop and purchased an effects pedal. Actually, not just a single FX pedal, but one with a LOT of FX built in. I plugged this mystical box in, and it was like the holy grail was set before me. So many options to choose from, and it has built in drum rythms to play along to. Now I can make sounds with my guitar that I can match my moods to, or songs to... and it's great! I think I'll go play, now, while my roommates are out of the apartment.

Ever get the feeling you're writing your memoirs, and when you die, someone will stumble upon this website and publish your "works" and become rich off of some silly thoughts you had rattling around in your brain, and you decided to express them in text form.

I wonder what they'll call it?

Started: Thu Oct 09, 10:07:01 AM
Loss is something I've dealt with most of my life. It happens in many different ways, and none of them are easy to deal with. I've lost friends due to distance. Family due to illness. Relatives from old age. And more people than I can count due to time. Losing someone is never easy. And knowing how to handle it is even more difficult. No matter how hard you try, you can never be fully prepared for it. But how you deal with it will affect you for the rest of your life. Deal with it badly... more than likely you will deal with most losses poorly. Deal with it well... congratulations. Knowing loss on a very personal level, I've given and been given a lot of advice. Each piece of advice I give is usually tailored to the person. Fortunately I haven't HAD to dish out advice or anything too often. But today, I heard a really good piece of advice... or maybe more of a philosophy, than advice. Where did I hear these upcoming words of infinite wisdom? Well, the TV of course. heh. From a show called "Charmed" it's a show about some witches, but they aren't bad witches, they're good witches... like Glinda of the North. Y'know the one who hangs out with all the short people!? Anyway, one of the sisters had to deal with Death in a physical form, and he gave her good advice. Ready? Here at last it is...

You grieve, then you move on.

BAM! I know it sounds way too simple. But this isn't like, "Okay, you grieve for two days, and then you should be over it." NO! Won't happen. Anyone that you know that was worth grieving about will have you close to out of commision for a while. You have to work through it. If you had a really easy time getting over the loss of someone, then you're either a sad emotionless individual, or that person really didn't mean that much to you to begin with.

Bitterness. It leaves a weird taste in your mouth. The kind of taste that tastes... well, bitter. Then once you taste it, it works it's way into your stomach, and from there spreads throughout your mind and body like the quickest and deadliest disease. It eats you up inside, makes you angry. Burn. Fire. Rip. Shread. You realize you're over-reacting to a simple situation... but a simple situation that has piled up on other simple situations, upon other simple situations... until the total mass of all the situations becomes this overshadowing, life consuming rage! You begin to vent... letting off the built up steam... then the feeling begins to dwindle. Mend. Tape. Ice. Cool. the feeling backs off, reversing it's course backwards through your veins and arteries and back into your stomach where, if not handled properly, a tiny piece is left behind, like nitro glycerine... waiting to be woken up and set off by some wrong move, bad step, or... another simple situation. You go on through your day, unaware of this remaining tiny speck of your bitterness as the fog lifts from your mind. You cool down, and continue on with life.

Laundry and late nights.

I think God made babies and kids to be so cute so we wouldn't mind cleaning up their poop, pee, and vomit.

He sure is smart!

You know what I like? I like pie! Coconut Creme or Warm Apple! You know what else I like?!!? I like drinks!! I like Sidral Mundet! Pepsi, Wild Cherry or Regular... and OVALTINE!

My posts were getting WAY too heavy. Needed to lighten up a little.

I find myself very amused at myself. Yeah. That's exactly what I mean. Not only at myself but at this phenomenon of weblogs. This personal diary or journal won't judge us or tell us "that's silly" or anything like that. Things that we may never actually speak aloud, we reveal to this virtual therapist. What a society we live in, when we turn to machines for comfort...

I can't wait to think of something else to write.

"Peace. Hope. Love.

"Dear Father, I need You, Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to, fly higher. Every New Day, again!

Man versus himself
Man versus machine
Man versus the world
mankind versus me.
The circles go on, the wisdom I lack,
the burdens keep piling, up on my back,
so hard to breathe, to take the next step
the mountains are high, I wait in the depths,
yearning for grace, and hoping for peace, Dear GOD INCREASE!

Healing Hands of God, have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, Light of the World, burning bright within out hearts forever
Freedom means love without condition without beginning or an end
Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours.
Only You can make every new day seems so new!"

Love is the strangest thing in this world. Grown men that can take a two-by-four to the face and not flinch, would run from love. Guys who have it all together, and never seem to cry, ball like a baby because of love. Someone who is in the depths of despair and seeming like they will never work their way back up, seem to suddenly soar at the notion of love. We were put on this earth due to one reason. Love. We were made in God's image, everything that we are, God is and more! The only emotion I can think of that would lead a person to all kinds of actions. A brother who loves his sister may beat up a bully, or "gently warn" a potential boyfriend. A husband can love his wife so much that he would cry just watching her sleep. My experiences with love have mostly been on the lighter side of things... mostly friendships. But some friendships can become as emotionally intertwined as other relationships... sometimes even more so. I, thankfully, have at least been blessed to have an amazing friendship with at least one person. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have at least that one friend. I believe that life would be a lot harder on me if it wasn't for that one person. That one friend. I love having someone to talk to, someone that's unjudging of me, and willing to listen. I also enjoy the feeling of being needed. It makes me feel like I actually have some sort of role or importance in this world. What am I here for? I'm not completely sure, but I have a feeling that at least at this point in my life, I'm meant to be here... where I am... discovering what I need to in order to live and to love. I feel a part of my purpose at this moment is to be an outlet of God's strength for at least one person. Thank you God, for your strength, and for the gift of knowledge of you, that I don't need to have ALL the answers ALL the time. You'll give me the ones I need, when I need them.

Yesterday was a half-way decent day in my book. Nothing bad really happened. The best part about it was getting to see a friend and be somewhat of a comfort to them when it seemed like they may've needed it. Truly, the best part was feeling the presence of God's guiding hand working to help me act as a tool for him, by helping one of his children. There are things that can be explained, and there are things that can't be explained, but you can sometimes take a good guess at them. I think I took a pretty good guess yesterday and came pretty close to the mark. It is remarkable what you can do when you completely let go and let God take control. Now why do I have such a difficult time doing that all the time, and in areas of my life that I definitely need more help in?

To be or not to be... forgotten

One of my biggest concerns in life is the thought of being forgotten. Now I'm not talking about those people in High School that everyone wanted to impress and hope that THEY remember you. No, I mean FORGOTTEN. Someone you love or someone who loves you just drifts away because they forget all about you. It's kind of a passive abandonment... they don't actively try to forget about you, it just happens. Why would someone forget about someone else? One of the simplest answers is that one person simply ceases to be important to another.

I have been, shall we say, inspired, to begin making entries. Here is a place and opportunity to jot down my thoughts and feelings and possibly events that occur in my life, or the life of others to stop them from banging around in my head and put them into some sort of physicallity to relieve stress or tension; to shout the praises of people, events, or things; to release energy of excitement, elation, happiness, anger, frustration. To those of you who get to read this... it's the inner workings of my mind, a scary journey, if you ask me.... oh, and try not to wipe your feet on my medula oblongata... thanks.

Hi.