Shot to the Junk

Okay, I may not have much, if any, experience with dating and girls... but I do know that THIS is not the way to go about winning the heart of a woman.

Delayed

Several circumstances negated my plans for tonight. But tomorrow's outlook is full of goofy grins.

Holiday Catch-up

Okay, so my holidays (so far) have been great! I had a blast visiting with my family (even more-so than usual), I got to talk to an awesome person almost everyday on the phone while I was gone. I learned that Bailey's Irish Cream goes really well with Eggnog. Chocolate Cookies with Peanut Butter chips are STILL my favorite. It truly doesn't matter what or how many gifts you receive. I missed getting to experience the Christmas Eve service at my church since I was away visiting my family. I got to see two really good friends (who are about to become one great friend - so to speak... they're getting married in April) and found out that they are moving to the area in August or September!

My Christmas List:

A cool new doo, to impress the ladies
Seeing my all-time favorite Christian band's farewell tour
A cool "lego"-type set of Optimus Prime
An awesome see-thru deck of cards
Another deck of awesome cards that are long and thin!
Star Wars: Jedi Knight - Jedi Academy game for XBOX
A set of Legos
264 leather CD case
Small wooden figure of my Grandfather's business in the town where my mom grew up
A little black waste bag for my car
A nice long sleeve shirt (heather blue)
a phantom of the opera ornament

and
MONEY!

There may be a couple things I'm forgetting, but that's pretty much it, I think. It was great.... and my holiday season isn't over yet! New Years Eve is just a day away! I'm SO looking forward to that!

Gematriculator!

It's amazing how much one post will change the "holiness" of your blog. Before the last post, I was somewhere around 51% EVIL... that's right, talking about infatuation (not to be confused with flatulation) dropped me down to 49% GOOD... now, right before this post I'm up to 85% GOOD, again. Well see how this post affects it even more!

My head feels like it's swimming in big dumb goofy grinning thoughts.

Yeah, I just talked to her.

I may be wrong, but I think I just asked her out on a date. The word date never came into play, I just asked her to go see a movie with me. Is it a date? How does this all work? Am I doing it right?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!!!????

I could really get used to this dumb smile.

Big, big, BIG goofy grin.

What does it mean when you get a big goofy grin on your face every time you think about a particular person?

I've got a big goofy grin on my face, right now.

My last post before I head out onto the road for the holidays is this one. I saw this on a friend's blog and I guess I just want to drive that point home to anyone that reads both of us.

"Invest in things that matter and enjoy every second of every day."

Holiday Wishes

Season's Greetings!

I'll be stepping away from my blog for a few days (the crowd applauds loudly) as I'm heading off for the holidays to do the family thing. This is one of my favorite times of the year... I have a really big family, and it keeps expanding. I love the feeling of such togetherness during this time. It is amazing how close you can feel to people that you only see once or twice a year compared to people you may see once a week or more. (If you're reading this, I'm more than likely not talking about you, so rest your fears if there were any)

But what this post really is all about is my wishes to all of you to have a very merry, happy, and safe holiday! May God bless you through your encounters and keep you safe on your travels, and may you all keep in mind what Christmas is really about. It's about a celebration of a life that was brought into this world that would one day save us all.

God bless you all, and have a Merry Christmas!

Why am I so incredibly happy when I feel like there is nothing really to be incredibly happy about? I don't get it...

...but I like it!

Finding My Niche

For some reason, I've been a little off-kilter for a couple weeks (more-so than usual). I feel like I'm working my way back to "me". That makes me happy. So I'm making myself happy. No one else has done it. At least no one on earth. I can't take complete credit. Sometimes I need to listen to my heart more than my mind. I need to open up, and not be afraid to get hurt. There's no way to actually shield myself completely from that, anyway, so why try? At least with friends, the healing can happen quicker than if I keep myself closed off.

Also, the last Well service that I'll be able to attend happened tonight, and afterwards, a Christmas Party that we had prepared. I think it went really well. To me, it was part funeral, part celebration, but total dedication and thanksgiving. That service is what got me involved at Crossroads, those people are the ones who pulled me into their lives, and those lives that gave me a home when and if there was no other. I know that I'm going to have to let it go... and like dealing with a lost loved one... I'll mourn and then I'll move on.

I had a couple people come up to me tonight to express their excitement that I was a part of that place, and that my skills and energy were looked forward to being integrated into the regular weekend services and the church as a whole.

This was all originally thanks to two people: long-time friends - Ben Stewart and Stephanie. Without their encouragement, I wouldn't have come as far as I have, as fast as I have. Thank you.

Now that just has to give you the feeling that something is going right for you.

Feel Good Phone Calls

... No, I'm not talking about phone sex lines. I'm talking about those random phone calls that you get from friends just out-of-the-blue. Those are some of the best conversations I've ever had. When a friend just decides that they want to talk to you and possibly for no other reason than to say "HI" and "I was thinking about you". Now, I don't usually get those kinds of calls from friends. They always have a purpose behind them, not malicious or anything, but usually it's to solidify plans or ask a question that I may know the answer to.

Today, I had TWO such phone calls... quite a record, I believe. The first from a great friend of mine, and then the second a couple hours later from a new friend.

Just makes me feel all warm inside... kind of like a big gulp of a hot vanilla chai from Live Wire (a coffee place down the street from where I live). I think I'll go get one and keep up this really neat feeling.

Small Life to Big Screen - Take 7

A good friend and one of the ministers at my church, Steve Edens, would be played by Rob Thomas from Matchbox Twenty.

Tonight... better than I thought. Had a nice relaxing evening at home. Did a little bit of work. Cleaned up a little... and now I'm off to bed. Good night, world, see you tomorrow!

Half Time

I fully endorse and support this half-time event.

The worst part about hanging out with good friends in a bar, is after you step out the door, but before you arrive home. About 5 minutes after you get into your car, you realize you smell like shit. That is, if shit smelled like cigarette smoke.

If it did, I'd never want to take another dump for the rest of my life.

Comments abound!

[holding up a chair, lion-tamer style] Whoa, back, back I say! There's too many of you... one at a time!

Got F#@ked?

Well, it's official... we're f#@ked.

Upon reading a friend's blog, I stumbled upon this website. I found myself very captivated and feeling very good generally speaking afterwards. I encourage everyone to take a few minutes to check out this website.

Love is...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

I Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)

more The Onion News in Brief

Neurosurgeon Heckled From Observation Deck
HOUSTON—Dr. Martin Kenneth Rinjipur, a neurosurgeon at Methodist Hospital, was heckled from the observation deck Monday after removing a cancerous tumor from a patient's occipital lobe. "You call that closing an incision?" the unidentified man shouted. "I could make a cleaner suture with 15 centimeters of frayed chromic gut and a pair of barbecue tongs. Go back to Johns Hopkins." Rinjipur did his best to act like he had not heard the comments.

Drunken Episode A Repeat
PARMA, OH—Sunday's episode involving drunken house-party guest Philip Welz was a repeat, guests reported. "I couldn't bear to watch it again," Robert Joffe said. "Sure, some parts, like when Phil pees in front of everyone, or when he pretends to have sex with the pets, are sort of entertaining the second time around, but on the whole, it was pretty tough to sit through twice." Joffe left the party early in order to avoid the episode's final moments, when Welz pukes on himself and passes out.

Baby Boring
TAMARAC, FL—Michelle, the three-week-old daughter of area residents Sue and Allen McKay, is "unbelievably boring," sources close to the couple said Monday. "Sue's always raving about how amazing Michelle is," friend Elena Jacobs said. "But then you meet her, and she barely moves. Who knows? Maybe Michelle is an incredibly charming and engaging little mastermind during the 20 minutes each day that she's awake and not crying." Jacobs added that Michelle must have been born with her mother's eyes and her father's total lack of personality.

C-c-c-caffine

For those of you who don't already get enough.

Nuff Said

This explains a lot.

Bored?

Think you're bored? I thought I was too, until I read this.

"I can't change the world, but I can try to change myself."

The Bengals are actually making a good run this season. ... huh... guess sticking with a team through the bad times really pays off... eventually.

We got him!

Yeah, we got him... so what now?

Ever wonder what your ratio of doing things right to doing things wrong is?

The Christmas Spirit

Thanks to my roommate and friend, Dustin, I am beginning to get in the Christmas Spirit. I had been off to a slow start, but tonight, we put up a Christmas Tree and decorated our apartment while listening to holiday music. It was really a lot of fun. I took a few pictures of our tree, and I'll try to get those up here in a day or two.

There's only one thing that would make this holiday season better right now. (it's not the obvious "gee, I don't have a girlfriend" answer)

IT'S SNOWING OUTSIDE!!!!!!

"We could go outside and build a snowman...."
"Walkin' in a winter wonderland..."
"Rock the casba, rock the ..." (wait, that one doesn't really go.)

Vote!!

Small Life to Big Screen - Casting Project

It has been said that I look similar to three people... I'm putting it up to you to vote (via the comment section) who would be better to play me.

1. Ron Howard (younger - more like Richie Cunningham age)
2. Seth Green (as cast by my good friend, Stephanie)
3. Clay Aiken (also, if my movie became a musical, he could play me then, too)

Thought of the Moment

Distance:
It can be a good thing or a bad thing. Por ejemplo: Distance between my face and someone's fist, the more the merrier. Distance between friends, bad.

Went bowling last night for the first time in a bout a year. Broke a hundred both games I bowled. Also bowled one of the better games I've played, scored a 124. Not the best I've done, but definitely not the worst. It was good. Went to eat at Denny's afterwards... oh the memories of Denny's.

My town got rid of their Denny's and put in a Liquor Mart. What crap. I miss the Moons over Myhammy, the Grand Slam, American Slam, and French Slam breakfasts. Their cheese eggs were some of the best.

Ahhh... late night at Denny's. [sigh] The good old days.

Want FREE MOVIE tickets? Sure you do!

I have recently made a bad decision. I won't let it happen again. 'Nuff said.

Pick-up lines that work?

Woman: So when do I get to know you?

Man: What do you mean? You already know me.

Woman: No, I mean in the biblical sense.

The Poopie List

I was introduced to this list in college and thought it was the funniest thing I've ever read. Hours of entertainment. I hope you find it at least mildly entertaining.

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie
The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.

Turtle Poopie
The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out

Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.

Gas-sy Poopie
The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!

Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie
(Self explanatory)

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (aka The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water.

Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie
The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.

The Suprise Poopie
You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!

The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

Fisherman's Bobber Poopie
You are in a public restroom with two people waiting on your stall, you poopie and flush two times, but several golfball pieces are still floating above the water line.

Honesty

All crooks should be this honest.

Taking Aim at Cellphone Snapshots

Dec 12, 9:39 am ET

BUDAPEST (Reuters) - Hungary moved Thursday to stop users of new camera mobile phones from taking and sending snapshots of people without their permission.
Hungary's data protection ombudsman ruled that mobile users transmitting pictures of people who are unaware of being photographed could be liable to prosecution -- as could the mobile service providers.

Ombudsman Attila Peterfalvi said he started an investigation after one of Hungary's three mobile providers ran an advertisement saying: "If you see a good-looking girl or guy on the street, don't hesitate to share the aesthetic experience with your friends via MMS."

Mobile phones, kitted out with small cameras used in multimedia messaging (MMS), are selling fast in Hungary, where mobile penetration is a high 75.2 percent.

"...taking and transmitting recordings without legal or personal accord is unlawful data handling and can lead to civil, or in some cases penal, responsibility," Peterfalvi said.

Regulators around the world are trying to get to grips with the spread of camera phones and their invasion of privacy.

The phones, with their tiny, discreet lens and ready access to the Internet, have prompted fears that voyeurs could take advantage of this new technology.

South Korea's telecommunications minister recently decreed that all camera phones must emit a beep of at least 65 decibels when taking a photo, even when the phone was in silent mode.

Take full account of what excellencies which you possess, and in gratitude remember how you would hanker after them, if you had them not.
- Marcus Aurelius

Well, that was hardly worth it. Just a little bit of patience and it's better. So now I'm back to the old Comment tool.

Temporary Changes

Sorry folks, it seems that CommentThis.com, my previous comment host is having technical difficulties. For the meantime, I've switched to BlogSpeak. As soon as I can tell that CommentThis is back up, I'll switch back, I really like them better than this one... but BlogSpeak works. Thanks.

The best portion of a good man's life is the little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
- William Wordsworth

Penis Pocket

Okay, I was walking through Wal-Mart tonight when I happened upon a very disturbing sight. I'm sure all of you are familiar with how boxers (the underwear, not the hard-hittinglook and function... with the verticle slit in the front that serves as a fly where there may or may not be a button to keep it together. In Wal-Mart there was this freak of nature that disturbed me greatly, I can't even imagine wearing it. It was a boxer short with a pocket on the front. Right in the middle. It looked like a pocket that goes on the back of pants normally, but it was dead front and center. Of course you can't keep change in this pocket, because there's a hole in it! It's a penis pocket. Reach in looking for your car keys... no no... there's something else in there!

It's just WRONG, man!

Man Gets More Than Phone Cut Off After Mix-Up

MANILA (Reuters) - An irate Filipino housewife sliced off her husband's penis while he slept after she discovered text messages from another woman on his mobile phone.
A local radio station reported the woman rushed her husband to hospital in Manila Thursday when large amounts of blood flowed from his wound, but that she forgot to bring the severed piece of flesh.

Doctors were able to restore his manhood after she raced home to collect the missing piece. The man, a welder, told the radio station he had forgiven his wife.

Callers to the station, reacting to the news, offered helpful hints to wayward husbands such as never sleeping on their backs and always keeping mobile phones tucked under the pillow.

Minor Changes to the Soul

I made some small adjustments to the blog tonight. Check them out, and let me know what you think.

Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Snide Remarks?

NO SMOKING

Okay, so there's one thing to talk about. The Smoking Ban in public places in Lexington went through and if my sources are correct, it goes into effect tomorrow! YAY! No more coming home smelling like cancer sticks!

News of Note

Zero. Nope. Nothing to tell today. Sorry. Today's been a pretty boring day. Woke up. Had lunch. Tried to blog, and this is all I came up with. Maybe tomorrow.

One Giant Leap for Man...

... One Giant Kick in the Nuts for the Not-so-good-looking.

Sad days in the life of mediocre looking males everywhere. The Average Joe didn't get picked, the hot n hunky man was the choice. Good looks won out over personality.

The True Testament of Friendship #6

A friend senses something is wrong, and somehow knows just the right thing to say.

Ahhh. Nice relaxing evening at home. Haven't had one of those in a while. I've been home, but it's not been relaxing, usually. My roommate got a new couch, it's nice. Vegged out on that most of the evening and watched TV. It was great.

I'm glad I have something to do tomorrow, though.

Small Life to Big Screen - Take 6

Okay, I'm done with the numbering it was giving me a headache.

My other roommate and longtime friend Dustin McClain would be played by Breckin Meyer. And his girlfriend, Katie would be played by Chyler Leigh.

Rose Colem... wait, no, she's married now, to Josh Paugh. Wow, what a slip up! Anyway, Rose would be played by Jodi Foster.

A good friend of mine that lives WAY too many miles away, Bethany Hayes, would be played by Reese Whitherspoon. Just imagine blonder and curlier hair. My friend and her fiancee Mark Smith, would be played by Paul Gross.

Love.

What a powerful four-letter word.

German Vicar Distributes Porn Films by Mistake

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German vicar inadvertently supplied his parish with dozens of hard core porn films in an unsuccessful bid to teach people about the life of Christ.
Frithjof Schwesig, vicar in the southwestern town of Lampoldshausen, had ordered 300 copies of a video film portraying the life of Christ as told by the gospel according to Luke.

"In a first batch 20 to 30 videos were distributed and we immediately got a reaction from five to seven people saying we must have given them the wrong film," he said.

"It was a real porn film. Within an hour our staff had collected all the videos. Really, all were withdrawn."

Schwesig said there had been a mistake at the Munich video copying plant and his staff established in a viewing session that night that 200 of the videos were pornographic.

Undaunted, Schwesig said he was pressing ahead with the life of Christ video campaign.

"It's extremely successful," he said.

Impressed out the A$$hole

... and that's a good thing.

I saw a production of "The Fantasticks" tonight at Studio Players. I have a friend in the show, and she was incredible! She played the lead female role, Louisa. Now, I've known Stephanie for almost four years, and I have always known she was extremely talented (even when she doubted herself), but I was really blown away by her performance. The whole package was there. Her acting was amazing and precise and flowing and natural. Her voice was strong and yet portrayed fragility. And, let's not forget that she was HOT! An actress that can sing, act, and has such beauty is a force to be reckoned with. More than this, I cannot say. I don't have the words to express it. I don't think they exist. I'm sorry to say that it's only running for two more days. More people needed to see this show, and I would've definitely liked to see it again.

I can't help but be incredibly proud of my friend.

Women, quit your whining!

It seems like the city of New York is sick and tired of hearing them complain, too

Tip of the Day (or whenever)

To create a link to e-mail:

<a href="mailto: youraddress@yourdomain.com.org.net"> E-mail me</a>


-to automatically add a subject line of YOUR choosing format it like this:
ADD: ?subject=My%20Blog -use the character %20 to add spaces.

Small Life to Big Screen - Take 5

8. I've been watching Smallville on DVD, and the guy that plays Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) would be perfect for one of my buddies at church, Ira Duncan.

Got big wang?

Colymbosathon ecplecticos does. This fossil has it ALL!

Pondering...

In Spain or Mexico, is it pronounced: VA-HINE-AH?

So if you ask someone out, and add the byline "as friends"... is it still considered a date?

Addictions

Curse Japanese animation!

... and curse Cartoon Network and it's [adult swim] for feeding my addiction!

Blogtrix - Reloaded

I've worked on the blog for the past two days to try to make it somewhat more visually appealing. Hopefully it's not too "busy". Just wanted to get everyone's feelings on it. Also thanks to Patrick, some of his questions spurred me on to find answers to other questions. And the result is... well, you're looking at it. Enjoy, and send some feedback.

Movies with time travel give me a headache.

Open mouth - Insert foot

I went to the bank this afternoon, like I do at least once a month for a specific type of business. All the ladies there know me by name. Wow, this sounds really bad, but I must continue. I have EE Bonds that I cash in to survive while I'm in school. And they know if I come in at the beginning of the month that I'm there for that reason. So I'm waiting to get into my deposit box and one of the ladies says hi to me from across the room. And brilliant ole' me says loud enough for most of the bank (filled with women, mind you), "Yep, it's that time of the month!"

"Hmm..." I thought to myself, "that maybe sounded wrong out of context." So I say back to her, "That didn't sound so good, did it?"

The whole bank of people just about roared with laughter, as did I. I brought attention to my mistake, and brought smiles and laughs to over a dozen people this afternoon. That's gotta be some kind of productivity for the day.

Small Life to Big Screen - Take 4

6. Y'gotta have Mel. Mel Gibson would play the part of my friend Jon Adams.

7. His wife, Erin, would be played by Michelle Pfeiffer.

Card Night

I had a pretty good time tonight. I haven't had just a relaxing time hanging out with anyone since that Saturday night at JWT sitting around playing cards and having a drink... and before that... sheesh, who knows? Yeah, it was great, but I still need to find some single friends where I don't have to look at, think about, or talk about significant others for a bit. I'm very glad that people are happy, I just want that for myself, too. When you don't have that, but you want it, your heart aches... and sometimes you just need to take your mind off of it.

Small Life to Big Screen :: Update

Another possibility to play yours truly would be Seth Green. I had not previously thought about this one until Stephanie mentioned him to me, neither of us could think of his name at the time, but she told me the character he played in the Austin Powers movies, Scott. Coincidence? I think maybe it definitely probably could be.

Geez, that hurts...

Just finished watching an episode of friends on TV. One from the first season. In this particular episode, Ross realizes that the day is the anniversary of his and his lesbian ex-wife's consummation... which was his first time ever. Later on Chandler and Joey are let in on this and they tell Ross really nice things about "how special that was to wait" and that sort of thing. After he leaves, they call him a freak.

Now, as you may or may not know, I am a virgin. Yes, yes, I am. I'm not ashamed of it, but it's not really something I go around shouting to the hills and so-forth. Just makes me wonder about the times I have told people and they say nice things and sweet things and how it's going to be special and all that, if when I leave they say, "wow, that's really weird, I can't believe there are weirdo's like that around" or other possibly worse scenarios. My time is not yet, and I'm not looking to rush it, but I don't want to be considered a freak due to something I haven't done.

ANYhoo... that's a bit of a downer, and kind of a shot to the gut. I need to get my wind back now.

My Horoscope for today

LEO

It surprises you to find out that some of the opinions you had up to this point might not be as set in stone as you previously thought. It isn't your intention to get into a political, religious or otherwise controversial conversation, but for some reason, you seem to draw people to you who are interested in doing that very thing. The strange thing is, once you take some time to digest their point of view, you find yourself agreeing with it despite the fact that it's the opposite of how you used to feel. You may not change your mind wholeheartedly, but there is definitely room for compromise.

The "stars" really don't know me at all, do they?

Not Good

Not good. Not good at all. Don't encourage this guy!

I wonder if Duane Hurley realizes that he's going to have to share.

more The Onion News in Brief

Playground Treated To Hot Pug-On-Pug Action
PROVIDENCE, RI—Children playing on the swingsets at Waldo Street Tot Lot were treated to a raw, uncensored display of hot pug-on-pug action, sources reported Tuesday. "First the one doggy got behind the other doggy," said Andy Haupert, 6. "Then the first doggy tried to get on top of the other doggy while the other doggy tried to run away. It was really funny." The canine copulation has been the most talked-about animal-related playground incident since June, when a pigeon crapped all the way down the slide.

Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever
ROCHESTER, MN—Bacon, long believed to contribute to heart disease and obesity, possesses significant health benefits, according to a study released Monday by Dr. Albert Gruber, the best scientist ever. "My research has found that three strips of crispy, mouthwatering bacon every morning can actually reduce cholesterol and help slow the aging process," the awesome Gruber said. "What's more, the bacon's positive effects are enhanced when combined with milk shakes and/or marijuana." In 1997, Gruber, a Mayo Clinic cardiologist, was awarded nine Nobel Prizes in Medicine for discovering that frequent oral sex with models cures cancer.

Rookie Trucker Always On CB To Mother
LUBBOCK, TX—Two weeks into his new job driving an 18-wheeler for the Harper Red Line, trucker Billy Ray Coogan, 23, still talks frequently with his mother on his CB radio. "Breaker 1-9, Mother Hen, this here's Red Rooster, come on," said an obviously nervous Coogan. "Are you sand-bagging, Mother Hen? 'Cause the boss man's got me hauling a dead-head to Abilene, and I'm a little nervous. I...I could really use some company, 10-4." Coogan went on to say that if his mother would just say the word, he'd do a flip-flop and put the hammer down to be back home in the short-short, in time for dinner.

Small Life to Big Screen :: Update

I'm thinking of changing the casting of my best friend Stephanie from Jennifer Connelly to this girl. The reason, I have just come to find out that she likes the smell of skunk. Any questions? Good.

Yes. I'm definitely ready to be done with college.

I ripped this from a friend's blog... if you've already seen this, sorry, but I think it's worth repeating.

Pondering...

When you're with someone, they seem to always be on the phone or getting calls or making calls. But when you try to call them, you can't get a hold of them. Why is that?

Another of life's confusing mysteries.

Small Life to Big Screen - Take 3

4. Keanu Reeves is the closet in appearance to my friend Josh Paugh. And he's softer spoken much like many of Reeves characters.

5. Friend, Brian Stocks would be played by Vin Disel. They're both bad-a$$es and Brian kinda looked like Vin when his head was shaved.

Lighting Design Project - Summer 2004

I just got a call from the Artistic Director from Jenny Wiley Theatre. He called to ask about my interest for the up-coming summer season. He wanted to know if I was interested in Designing one of the shows. Of course I said, Yes. Unlike my designs in the past, this one will be the first that I'm actually paid specifically for. I'll be getting a designer's fee on top of my pay that I get for being the Master Electrician. Very exciting times! Very exciting!

The summer is too far away.

Lighting Design Project I

We had a production meeting today for Other People's Money, a play being produced by Studio Players in Lexington. I feel like such a professional. This is actually going to be my first full design that's completely mine. I've designed lights previously at Jenny Wiley Theatre for Children's Productions and a talent show. My first design that I'm really proud of came this past summer when I was given the opportunity to design for a cabaret-style show called, "Hooray for Hollywood: An Evening of Song in Film". The number that brought down the house was the most fun to light... a song from the musical, "CHICAGO" ... the Cell Block Tango. JWT even put it as a publicity shot on their website. But for the cabaret, I used someone else's light plot and worked with that. For Studio Players... it's all mine!

I'm really excited, but my only question is how do I express that without sounding like I'm bragging or too proud? I don't think anyone else will be as excited as me, and a lot of people don't quite "get it" I guess. Maybe someone will and will pat me on the back a bit.

Blog Update: News to Know

Hey everyone. It has been brought to my attention that some browsers may not view my page correctly. 800x600 screen resolutions will put half of my Left Side Bar stuff below the main post section. So, scroll on down to the bottom to check the rest of the stuff out, or change your screen resolution. Sorry, I don't know how to fix it any other way. Hello and thanks to everyone who's been commenting, and for everyone who's been reading. I hope you continue to enjoy.

Today dawns a new day... well, definitely tomorrow, I need today to adjust!

tired... but... can't sleep. Must.... blog. .. . ..zzzzzzzzzz

Small Life to Big Screen - Take 2

3. Roomate Brian Ink would be played by Jim Carey. Two reasons... one: some of the faces Brian makes could only be accurately re-inacted by Jim Carey, and two: I think Jim could play just about anybody at any given time.

Small Life to Big Screen - Take 1

Okay, so I'm going to jump on the band wagon and try to cast my life as a movie. Here goes:

1. Ron Howard would play yours-truly, I get the most comments that I look like him, especially when I need a haircut and start wearing my hat all the time. Of course, he'd have to get a hair-piece. And that guy he's talking to would play "that one guy I talked to that one time".

2. My best friend, Stephanie would be played by one of the most beautiful and classy actresses that I've seen, Jennifer Connelly.

Hey, I even found one with us together. Okay, so it would have to be a slightly younger Ron Howard.

I'm stumped, any ideas for someone to play me?

"The Onion" News In Brief

Hasbro Pledges Additional 30 Marbles For Hippo-Hunger Relief
PAWTUCKET, RI - With global famine worsening, Hasbro pledged an additional 30 white marbles Monday to hippo-hunger relief efforts. "To see those starving, starving hippos just lying there, not knowing if they will ever get another chance to click and clack for life-giving marbles ”it's too much for anyone to bear," Hasbro spokeswoman Lisa Reiderer said. "We cannot stand idly by while these sweet plastic creatures slowly die. It is up to all of us to get the most marbles for our hippos."

Couple Always Like This
QUINCY, MA - Longtime couple Scott Pfaff and Lisa Baumgartner have pretty much always been like this, sources close to the pair revealed Monday. "This is definitely no news-flash," said mutual friend Stacie Pritkin, who recently hosted a party during which the pair was at it as usual. "You hang out with those two, you learn to expect that sort of stuff." Said Pfaff's friend Mark Dohn: "I was at the mall with them once when they started getting like that - right in Radio Shack."

United States Toughens Image With Umlauts
WASHINGTON, DC - In a move designed to make the United States seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," Congress passed a bill Monday changing the nation's name to the United States of America. "Much like Motley Crue and Motorhead, the United States is not to be messed with," said Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK). An upcoming redesign of the American flag will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new national anthem is also in the works, to be written by composer Glenn Danzig and tentatively titled "Howl Of The She-Demon."
(this one's not quite the same without the umlauts.. check it out here.)

How would you like to work here with this guy's job?

Arby's must be running out of ideas. I guess there's really only so much you can do with Roast Beef.

An hour and fourteen minutes.

Pretty good for someone who really doesn't like talking on the phone. And the conversation never felt dull.... until the end.

UPDATES, UPDATES, UPDATES!!!

In an effort to feel more comfortable with giving my blog address out to more people, I'm "lightening up". Also, I'm working on the layout and different things to make people want to come back and check it out. For pure and unmatched intellect and cleverness, visit Steph's or Patrick's blog (if you have the address). Maybe I'll come up with something good every now and then, though... you'll never know unless you come back. [GRIN]

Real Quotes from Real People... volume 1

"It's like butter and chocolate syrup."
- -Greg Chandler (describing how performances were good, just not good together)

PSA for the dorky

Announcer: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, YOU TOO, can look and feel cooler in less than seven days! That's right folks, in less than a week, you can feel on top of the world. All you have to do is rush out and get a truly awesome friend like this man has.

Scott: [obviously reading from a card] I am not an actor, I am an actual person who has an extraordinary friend. My secret is Stephanie. What's yours? [smiles a really big, dumb smile and looks straight into the camera]

Announcer: So go out, NOW, and hug a friend and thank them for showing you the error of YOUR ways.

The true testament of friendship #5.

They keep a couple of your favorite drinks stocked in the fridge, just in case you come over.

At times I wished I had a sibling or two, so I could be "uncle scott". One of my little cousins called me that over this past weekend, and it made my heart feel all warm inside... of course, I'll never be an uncle.

Holiday Traditions - Part 1

Thanksgiving: getting "stuffed" at dinner, grabbing some floor to watch the football game/take a nap, and then wrestling around with the little cousins.

The true testament of friendship #4.

If you call in the middle of the night and wake them up, they say, "It's no problem, I was already awake."

Greatest TV Theme Songs of all time

TV theme songs get stuck in my head all the time... so it spawned this post:

1. Friends
2. Greatest American Hero
3. Gummy Bears
4. Cheers
5. MacGuyver
6. Charles in Charge

Any that I missed? I'm sure there are! Send me some! Maybe I'll add them to this list!

Air Rage Granny Scrambles Fighters

Nov 26, 8:16 am ET

MIAMI (Reuters) - Fighter jets were scrambled at Miami airport on Tuesday after an elderly woman threw a fit on an American Airlines plane and flight attendants thought she would attack them, police said.
Reports said the woman was aged between 69 and 79.

"They said old," a police spokeswoman said, adding she could not confirm her precise age.

The pilot of flight AA-2133 with 126 passengers on board announced an emergency as a precaution shortly after taking off for Caracas, and fighter jets were scrambled to escort the plane back to Miami international airport.

The plane landed safely.

::: What is the world coming to when the elderly can't throw a simple fit on an airline any more!?! I mean, what happened to respect for the elderly, huh?!

My two month blog-aversary is coming up. Maybe we'll do somthing nice. :)

Any thoughts?

Hair Update

It's growing on me... no pun intended.

okay, partially intended...

well, mostly intended.

Seeing family is great, especially around the holidays... the best just seems to come out in everyone. It makes my heart ache, though. I wish I could be closer, so I can see my little cousins growing up, and to be a bigger part of their lives. It also really makes me want to be at the poing where I'm married and settled down and have a kid or two that when they bump their head, they look to me to see if it's "supposed to hurt" or not, and if they realize it's supposed to, then they come running to me with arms open wide for comfort. Someone just running up to me and saying, "daddy".

Yeah. That would be nice.

The true testament of friendship #3.

Someone "senses" you might be lonely or bored and makes an excuse to come see you or to call you.

The true testament of friendship #2.

A friend calls you in the middle of a performance to make sure you're alright.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Alright, here's a list of just a few things I'm thankful for... feel free to comment with your own!

Salvation
My family
My best friend
Crossroads n' Gang!
My friends
Health
When I allow it ... my happiness

The true testament of friendship #1.

Acting like a jerk and an idiot, and they forgive you and overlook it.

Eulogy for a PC

My computer has been on the verge of dying over the past week. The motherboard aparently is the problem. It's been moving a little bit slower than it used to. It can't run or play as much as it had. But I will remember all the good times. The jokes we used to share. The tears, the pain. The countless hours of e-mailing. And even blogging. Yes, my computer was a dear friend, and before it goes... I would just like to say...

WORK YOU STUPID PIECE OF CRAP!

Thank God for warranties and tech support!
...and roommates' computers.

Re: Previous Blog

Sorry, I just needed to get that out. I tried to say something a couple times yesterday, but couldn't due to interuptions.
I'm not saying I don't care how I look, I like looking nice. I love it. I like getting compliments and stuff, that's all well and good. Here goes:

School... all of it. Scott not a popular guy. People who mostly make fun of him and put him down... the trendy people... the "cool" people. Scott didn't want to become like "them". And change can be a scary thing. I'm a fan of change to a degree... I find it exciting a lot of times, but people just have to understand that changing how I look after I've basically looked the same for 25 years.. is a big deal to me. I know to some people it's not a big deal. It kind of makes me feel self-conscious to think that people think I need to change. Whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. So please don't think that the previous blog was some maddening rant... it was not.

Oh, and about the "forget girls" part... I'd like to take that back. I want peace in my heart and in my mind, AND girls.

When did I become one of those people that cared about how I look? Who am I really trying to impress? Does it really matter HOW I look if I'm not comfortable with myself? Shouldn't be who I am that attracts people to me? (not necessarily meaning in a male-female dating kind of thing) I don't know. I just started becoming moderately comfortable with who I am... and now I'm changing. [sigh]

Forget girls, I just want peace in my heart and in my mind.

Looking forward to tomorrow.

JWT/MAC gig: ADDENDUM

A couple days ago, I had to kill an actor. I gave him a line note, and he just refused to say "THANK YOU" like you should always do after given a note by the director or stage manager. He ticked me off. And I snappend.

This entry brought to you in part by Patrick Drury

JWT - Christmas Carol

Actual Date: Sunday, November 23, 2003
Actual Time: 2:13am

Final entry from JWT/MAC gig.
Our final performance was tonight, and we struck the set and props and costumes afterwards while the actors went to eat. From the sound of it, it wasn't a GREAT deal of fun, but I don't think it was horrible. I really enjoyed my time here, one way or another. I met some really cool people. This is the part of this business that I dislike most of all. Saying good-byes to people I get to know and enjoy spending time with. I'm almost sad to go back to the real world. Not only have I made some new friends, but I've really connected and feel like I have some friends that previously were only bosses and supervisors to me. I have enjoyed their company immensely. I have really enjoyed working and feeling like I am doing something to work towards a goal, with a team. This show was something I was pretty proud of. I enjoy doing this. I'm tired of college. I can make money doing this, and I'm making contacts left and right. ARGH! Any advice? Any thoughts?

No? That's right, you're a computer.

JWT - Christmas Carol

Actual Date: Saturday, November 22, 2003
Actual Time: 4:27am

5 hours, 3 Doc Otis’, and 28 games of Bullshit later…
I had a great time. I need friends that I can just sit back and relax with every once in a while. I love going out and doing things, but I’m a very high-strung kind of person, and I need to really break myself out of that, it’s not a big “turn-on” for too many people. I really need to find people I can just sit back, shoot the bull, have a drink, and hang out with.

Where are you?

11:56am
I had a wonderful dream last night. I usually have really weird dreams that I remember or seemingly abstract or something absurd that is a reflection on what’s going on in my mind at the time… and this could be one of those dreams. But it was very straight forward. I had sex with this girl. It was very passionate… I don’t remember if I knew her or not (in real life), or if she was just some amalgamation of my subconscious. It was one of the best dreams I can remember having, and as I was in that fog moving from sleep to awake, I remember having this feeling of closeness with someone. Then as I came out of the fog I looked next to me… guess who was there!?

No one.

Not saying that I want to have sex right now or anything… just that I’d like to be with someone who cares as much about me as I do her. I know I have friends, and one really great one in particular, but I can’t get what I feel I need from them. Friendship goes a long way, and I believe that all relationships should try to build that first before making it anything else, but I guess I just want more of an intimacy with someone than I feel I can get from a friend… or am getting from friends. I don’t even mean in a physical sense, I don’t know, it’s a very abstract thing I’m trying to describe, but I can tell that it’s there and there’s a desire for something MORE.

Well, until then…

Sex dreams are the next best thing to actually doing it.

Stay tuned for the Christmas Carol Blog-fest that happened while I was away!

Tonight didn't go exactly as planned. Church was fine, I felt I did a great job with the lights, but the whole movie thing... I felt... out of place.

Maybe I should have stayed in Prestonsburg.

JWT - Christmas Carol

The shows went much better yesterday than they did on Tuesday. In the evening I went to eat with a couple people at Applebee’s. The more times I come back to this theatre, the more I realize that the people here are kind of like my extended family. These people that work here aren’t JUST my co-workers and supervisors and bosses, but they are my friends, too. And, I think that people look forward to me coming back as much as I look forward to being back. I know someday that I’ll have to venture out and work other places, too. But I’d definitely like to think that I’ll always have a home here, at least as long as the current people are in charge are here.

11:55pm
Tonight’s show went well. We had a “first act” pre-show entertainment mini-stravaganza, where a few people sang Christmas songs and then a group of us did a small sketch and then performed a song and dance. The song was Bruce Springsteen’s version of “Santa Clause is Comin’ to Town”… it was great fun. People in the audience seemed to enjoy the cheesy background dancing and the overall package of the song. For tonight, my seven and a half minutes are gone… tomorrow is another day, and then, unfortunately, I’ll go back to being one of the unseen, unsung heroes of theatre.

I just wish…

Just wanted to apologize for not being about to blog as much as I want to... but starting Sunday, that all changes! And look for a special "come-back" blog of immense proportions! or at least it's gonna be long. I've been saving up all my stories, rants, and raves for you, and can't wait to share them.

Bloggers... soon.

Yes, the sensation that is sweeping the blog-nation... I, too, have the ability to receive your comments. I now have THAT power! MUH ha muh HA... muh ha ha ha ha haaaaa....... No longer shall I be left in the dark about how YOU feel about my blog. Now the power is in YOUR hands as well as mine!!!!!! Viva all of blogdom! So feel free to browse the past blogs as well as the future ones and give me a little feed back. Thanks!

Too over the top? Surely not.

JWT - Christmas Carol

Actual Date: Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Actual TIme: 6:58pm
What a great day! I slept until noon, watched a whole disc of FRIENDS episodes, went to rehearse a sketch for an hour, bought a few groceries, and then came home. NO WORK INVOLVED!

7:45pm
I’ve really been enjoying my time here… well, for the most part. I’ve not been miserable by any means, just been losing sleep. I’ve met some really cool people and I’ve enjoyed visiting with some old friends. I miss people and things back home, though. Which brings me to a very scary thought. What happens when I graduate? Am I trying to hold on to school because I don’t want to leave my friends? The comfort and assurance, the confidence and strength I’ve gained from these people is enough to get me through tomorrow, and knowing that I’ll see them soon, re-energizes all those things in me. I want to be me, no matter where I am, and know that I have a support group of some sort to be there for me when I need it.

11:19pm
I meet all kinds of neat, fun, smart people. People who I have a lot in common with (but not too much)…. But why with all these people can I not meet her?

JWT - Christmas Carol

Actual Date: Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Actual Time: 11:15m

People miss me… really?

I always envisioned that, if my life were a T.V. sit-com, I would play the part of a minor character, most likely comic relief and the kind of character that just kind of tagged along with the main characters and made a joke every now and then.

It’s nice to feel wanted. I like that feeling. I hope it happens again.

Ahhhh......

No sleep, only a few minutes to jot down a couple of my thoughts before I need to work some more.

I felt like I wanted to cry tonight. This job is SO incredibly difficult. Anyone who thinks they can do it better are welcome to try, and I'm sure they'll succeed. I suck at this. I'm no good. If I could equate a smell to how badly I stink, it would be the middle of a sewer surrounded by skunks drinking curdled-past-expiration-date milk. Please God, PLEASE! Get me through this. I know it will be great, in spite of me. Please watch over us as we go through the show tomorrow morning and all week, and help ensure safety and peace amongst the company. And give me patience. With everyone... especially now that I've been running on very little sleep for the past three days... and I hope that people I may have talked to realize that I'm under a lot of pressure and frustrated, and aren't too hard on me for some way that I may have treated them. I just want to do a good job, and have a little fun while doing it. njbfdhgjb .... sorry, my head hit the keyboard, but I can't go to sleep because I don't think I'll wake up in time, or I won't be worth ANYthing. ARGH!!!!!!!

Restless days, and sleepless nights.

This sucks.

Crunch time. Waking up at 9:00am and working until 1:30am.... what the heck am I thinking everytime I work in this business. The week before a show opens is crazy and more hours than there are in a day are required to get the show up and running. Now I'm trying to find a tiny bit of social time. I think there's something about this business to make you forget the bad times and remember the good times, or think the bad times ARE good times... or something else, I don't know really. Fortunately, I love it. And I'm very much looking forward to Tuesday. The show opens and there's nothing else to be done. I'll be finished. Then I can relax and enjoy the rest of my time here and enjoy the company. Now, I'm trying to unwind a little bit before I can go to bed. But, I don't think I'll be getting much sleep tonight since I need to be up and working by 9:00am. SUCK. Anyway... at this particular moment, I'm pretty miserable.

JWT - Christmas Carol

Actual Date: Friday, November 14, 2003
Actual Time: 11:22am
I HATE DOING PROPS! I love working with them on stage… but being a properties person is NOT what I want to do. It’s okay for a little while, but I get REALLY bored of it REALLY quickly. I’m SO tired of shopping. ARGH!

JWT - Christmas Carol

Actual Date: Thursday, November 13, 2003
Actual Time: 10:34am
I haven’t written anything in the past couple of days. Nothing good has really happened. Nor has anything bad… so I guess I’m thankful for that. The best thing was that I finally got to talk to my friend. I have this weird empty feeling inside me. I can’t describe it other than that. God, help me to fill this weird empty feeling.

I only have time to say one thing, but it's the most important thing to me.

I miss my friend.

JWT - Christmas Carol

Actual Date: Monday, November 10, 2003
Actual Time: 12:45am
My friend called me a couple of times today. I missed her call. I miss her. She sounded half-way between good and not-good. When I say that, I mean I think she was trying to sound brave so I don’t worry about her too much. My phone dies after two phone calls here where I’m working. I’m in the mountains and signal is kind of a hit or miss situation. Man, when I heard her voice, it was SO awesome. I couldn’t help but smile, even though I’m worried about her. So, now, I’m sitting here, watching Friends, thinking of my friend, and writing in my blog (which won’t be published until I can get a hold of an internet connection). I hate being away during this time. Let me clarify… I’m not having a bad time here at all… I just really miss my chosen family, and my church family… and my best friend. I missed it especially yesterday… I didn’t get to go to church. Wow. I really love church, and I love going to church, it’s not a chore like it used to be for me when I was growing up.

1:10am
I feel like I’m running away. I feel like I had a break-through with a past feeling (or lack thereof) and now I’m nowhere near anyone who I feel comfortable with to help me or talk about it. I don’t want to bother a particular friend, because they are going through a rough time right now. I feel like I’m back-peddling. I’ve come so far with my emotions and with myself and how I feel, that I don’t want to mess any of that stuff up… and I don’t want to disappoint anyone by backsliding and slipping. I’m a very happy person right now, and I don’t want to ruin it. I may be sounding like a I’m speaking a bunch of non-sense, but this stuff is all kind of jumbled in my head. Anyway, I need to sleep. Hopefully, I will.

9:45pm
Went to see Brother Bear tonight. I enjoyed it, but it was lacking. When the movie was over, I didn’t feel like anything happened, it felt a lot like an extended music video for three or four Phil Collins songs… with the some comic relief Moose plopped in. Disney is starting to reach… and they’ve used their same formula for way too long. At least this one wasn’t a tired love story where boy meets girl, but girl doesn’t like boy, or is out of reach of boy, or is evil. Then girl meets boy and falls for him, but then something happens to make one of them think wrongly of the other… yadda yadda yadda. It wasn’t a complete waste of an hour an a half, but I’d wait for it to come out on video, if I were you.

9:55pm
Friend… where are you? I’m using my powers of telepathy to urge you to call me. No reason other than to talk.

JWT - Christmas Carol

Actual Date: Sunday, November 09, 2003
Actual Time: 11:08am
I had to exert some authority yesterday in rehearsals. People in the hall were being REALLY loud while we were working on a quieter scene of the show. I had to go out FIVE TIMES to tell them to try to keep it down. Not the fun part of this job at all. Other than that, it didn’t go too bad. We were missing a couple of actors due to conflicts, and started about 40-50 minutes late due to an actor’s late arrival, but Scott did a great job of making up the time, and we were out of there on time. Not too shabby.

11:22am
I miss my friend. I hope she’s doing okay.

JWT - Christmas Carol

Actual Date: Saturday, November 08, 2003
Actual Time: 1:50am

Day One: Started working today, my first order of business was to call all the actors to remind them of rehearsal and where it was. Man I hate phones. I don’t mind talking to people on the phone, but I hate trying to get a hold of 25 different people to make sure they’ll be somewhere at sometime. Other than that, we had a production meeting, and then had the first read through… all the actors arrived on time. The read through went well, and some of the cast were going to Applebee’s to eat (and drink a little) afterwards. We hung out and had a great time. But alas it is now time for bed… too bad I have to do some paperwork first. Maybe I’ll get some sleep. Anyway, I’m outta here.

11:45 am
I can’t help thinking about my friend and how she’s doing.

11:50 am
I need this time away. I’m glad I’m here. I needed to be around some people who aren’t in the middle of some kind of struggle. I feel bad for feeling that way… but I know it’s something I needed. Sometimes I think God doesn’t really have a particular schedule for things, and sometimes, I think He plans everything out to the last detail. I would’ve felt even worse if it had happened while I was here. I’m glad He let me be there for her. Well, that’s all the personal time I get for today, time to work.

JWT - Christmas Carol

Actual Date: Thursday, November 6, 2003
Actual Time: 11:58 pm
Christmas Carol Gig – Arrival
Well, I’m all settled in here, at my home for the next two weeks. I arrived at about 4:45 and got to see some old friends. Scott B. and I talked a little about what I’ll be doing, and we took a quick drive over to the MAC to check out the set. Then we went back to the office and I headed to the housing. This is really going to be weird, I’m used to the housing being packed with people… but only one of the three cabins are being used at all. And there’s only going to be 7 people living here. Four are actors, one is me, and the other two won’t arrive for another week. Very odd. On an interesting note, I got to visit with a friend from two or three years ago, Beth Brandel. We talked for a couple of hours just about all kinds of things. It was fun. I went grocery shopping and believe that I bought enough food for the whole two weeks that I’m here. Tomorrow I start work, I’m a little nervous. I’ve Stage Managed before, but that was a college production, and it was cake, nothing to it. We’ll see how this rates in comparison. Good night.

I cried. I wept. I blubbered. I wish I had done that twelve and a half years ago... or even ten and a half years ago. But I didn't. I am now, and will... I have a lot of time to make up for.

Unfortunately, this will be one of my last blogs for a couple of weeks. I'm going to a place where I have very little access to the internet. I'm going to continue to keep an offline log on my computer so I'll be able to continue to share my experiences. So, until we meet again! See you soon.

Thank You God! For helping me to realize that something was broken and needs mending. Thank You for overwhelming my heart today as I left the funeral home, and thank You for my heart. Thank You for my loyalty and my devotion to helping out a friend when they really need it most (or at least appears to me that they need it). I couldn't have been who I am without You. Or with out your help, friend.

Overwhelmed.

Too many things to think about. I can't seem to focus on one thing and get that accomplished. I'm thinking about everything at once and I'm just spinning my wheels. GRRAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Day 4. Temptations come and go. Easier when people are around. Tough when I'm by myself. Hanging in there.

- "Love. True Love. Love is what brings us together today."
- Love. Isn't it grand? Isn't it lovely? Isn't it wonderful? Doesn't it just make you want to sing? Doesn't it feel like you're floating?

Just when you feel like you've gotten away from it, and you're used to being alone... that stupid baby in a diaper with the little bow and arrows shoot everyone around you BUT you.

Doesn't it just make you sick?

I'm an aweful friend.

Guilt. I don't like it. It's worse when it's something you bring upon yourself. Please, God, ease my soul. And please keep pumping me full of your strength. I'm going to need it more coming up soon.

Day 3.

I just ran out of gas again for the third time in my life. What a moron. I had just left my friend's house on a quest to run a few errands. My gas gauge read about an eighth of a tank... the idiot light had not turned on. I was driving down the bypass when my car wouldn't quite pick-up-and-go. It started to kind of sputter, and suddenly a couple of lights lit up on my dash console, and it became difficult to apply pressure to the brakes and to turn the steering wheel. The realization hit me, I was out of gas. I had the forethought to scan the road really quick and see how far away any gas stations were. I had just passed three and was coming upon a fourth. Fortunately, I had enough momentum to be able to coast into a Shell station on the right. God was really watching out for me, because there was no traffic between me and the station. I coasted up next to the pump perfectly, tugging at the steering wheel for it to obey my command, and mashing down on the brake pedal as hard as I could to make my car completely stop. I don't think anyone was the wiser, so the experience wasn't as bad or embarassing as my other two times had been. THe only bad part is I knew how my gas gauge works, and I ignored it... I tried to push my car to the limits, and it finally gave and I did NOt triumph... except that I made it to the station before it completely stopped moving. Would't that be funny if I had to call my friend who I've been comforting and being with, to come and help me now... how worthless would that have made me feel... heh.

Life cracks me up.

Day 2.

Lord, about 30 minutes ago, you eased the pain of one of your children and welcomed him into your arms. Show him around, and help to ease the pain of those that remain. Don't leave them, now. Lord, please. Stay with them. Wrap your huge loving embrace around the Seales family and squeeze with all your might. Please continue to help me through this time as well. It kills me to see my friend sad, although I know it is a normal part of this process. Give me strong arms, a strong heart, and a wise mind. Lord, You are great. I know Steph's dad is up there cracking jokes with my dad, and having a good time. Tell them that a lot of people miss them, and that we'll see them soon. Dad, take Melvin and have a great time... tell him about time the snake that grabbed your leg. I bet he'd appreciate that. Lord, we know this should be a happy time, and a time of rejoicing, but it's difficult for us to think of it that way. Our selfish hearts don't want to let go of people as the leave this world. Jesus, I just ask you to ease their hearts, and help Stephanie and Doris to remember the good times and think of him when he was full of life, and not cry because it's over, but smile for the time they got to spend with him. In your loving name. Amen.

My friend tonight told me that she was impressed with me. I was kind of taken back. Later I asked her, in a joking kind of way to explain, and it was just how I was facing a lot of fears by being there with her for this particular instance. She said she was proud of me. That means a lot to me. God really knows what he's doing, I guess. He takes the most unlikely things and uses them for His glory and to help us through things, or for us to help others through things, and by which, we gain unrequested rewards ourselves. I'm glad that it's happening, but even if it didn't, I'd still do what I've been doing. I don't know what else to do, but I AM going to be there for her. She's an amazing person, and I want to see her soar.

Tonight, for the first time, I cried with my friend. Not about her, or for her, or around her... but with her. I've always felt like I had to stay strong for people, but tonight in the midst of prayer and seeing and hearing her cry, I bawled my eyes out. I felt very clensed afterwards, and a little foolish. This isn't about me, and I felt like I needed support instead of being support. When I got into my car on the way home, I drove in the rain, but of course no one else was getting wet, just me... my eyes were pouring.

Guess what... still helpless. Why can't I just take and realize my own advice? I know no matter what profound and inspiring thing I may come up with, it won't mean a damn bit as much as me just being there. That's all I can do, or at least that's all I know to do.

I'm sorry I can't do more, friend.

Helpless.

They say it takes 40 days to make or break a habit....

Day 1.

Why must I be tainted by life? And why do people see something that I don't seem to. "Full of energy" "Full of life" "A treasure"

I guess I don't get it.

Today was a very awesome day. I woke up, got breakfast for a friend and I, took it to her, and hung out with her for a little bit. Then some more people showed up and we all spent the day raking leaves at her parent's house. Her father is very sick and her mother has been too preoccupied with him to be able to take care of their yard (understandable). Then we came inside and had a little bit of a dinner, and I came home to shower so I could meet up with a friend of mine from High School (Jason) and his wife. We've lived in the same city for about a year now, and this is the first time we're getting together... sad, huh? Well, we had a blast. When I got there, Kat (short for Kathryn) had made taco-type stuff for dinner, so we enjoyed that while talking a little bit... then the games commenced! We played cards like crazy, and like it was going out of style. We played an interesting game called "Unexploded Cow"... you really have to play it to understand it, and then we played "Spoons" and then Egyptian Rat Screw, which I had not played since High School in band class on days our director was sick or decided to give us a break, etc. Then we watched a movie to enjoy his new surround sound system. The second Matrix movie. Unfortunately, by this time it was 11:00 and I was a little tired from the days events so I dozed on and off during the movie... thankfully, I'd seen it before. The movie ended, I said my departing good-byes, and came home, and here I am now, typing in my blog. Good blog. Safe blog. Well, gotta go to bed to get some sleep. Tomorrow's another busy day.

I don't want to be a "man's man". I don't think I even want to be a "guy's guy". Sometimes I don't want to be "the guy who is fun to have around sometimes, and is sort of okay". I don't want a girlfriend, I want something deeper, something more substantial. I don't want to be the guy who meets someone and drops off the radar to everyone he cares for. I don't want to be a bad friend. I don't want to be a bad son. I don't want to surround myself with negative people. I want to be able to look at someone and know that they care, to be able to see it in their eyes, or in their body language, or to just hear them say it. I want to know that everything is going to be all right, or at least it's on the right track. I want to feel like I'm me, no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with. I want to touch someone's soul with merely a word or maybe two. I want to make a difference in the lives of the people around me. I don't want to be forgotten.

No. Nothing's wrong.

I have a really amazing friend. One who doesn't even know it, but she's cheering me up and giving me more confidence as I type this. She is an amazing person, but unfortunately, no matter how many times I tell her that, and reassure her of it, one person can come along and in one swift motion make her doubt most everything about herself. I love my friendship with her, because even as I help her, she (unknowingly, more than likely) is helping me along the way. Experience is a great teacher, but there are somethings that I'd rather learn from others experiences, and so I look to my friends, especially this one, and ask questions and just observe her in life. If I could, I would totally and completely learn everything for myself and go through the pain if it meant that she wouldn't have to. She is kind, honest, caring, funny, beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, and loving. I love her. She is my sister. She is inspiration. She is an asset. She is my confidant. And she is my best friend. I wouldn't want to be walking through life without her right now... or ever. I thank God for the great gift of her presence in my life... and through her I can see Him working in so many glorious ways. God is an amazing sculptor of my life... and thankfully he put us somewhere in the kiln together.

I never want to be without her friendship.

Definitely the worst part of being single is not having an outlet when you're horny.

Why God, when everything is going fine, does something have to go wrong, or does somebody or something have to mess it up? This sucks. I'm NOT happy with it at all. I'm shaking. Why, when someone begins to redevote their life to yYou, especially in the middle of bad times when doubting is much easier, would you allow another to do the emotional equivalent of hitting someone head on in a car to that believer who is just trying to get a grip on things?

I was at church at 8:30am today. It was great. There was no worship going on other than that of two creative minds trying to bring glory to God through 70 feet of steel trussing, 30 feet of chain, and ten ETC SourFour ParNel lights. By three o'clock, we had created a masterpiece. There was one large 30 foot section and two smaller (only slightly) 20 foot sections. The larger section was suspended in air at an angle of 20-30 degrees from horizontal. The other two sections intersected that one... one on the left suspended by one end at an angle of around 70-80 degrees. The third section was on the right and was suspended at an angle of around 45 degrees. We hung the ten lights on the trussing sections and aimed them AT the trusses in order to actually light up the trussing and paint it like a canvas for lights. We used an awesome blue called Zephyr Blue and an excellent green color, along with lighting it from the top with a Salmon color to give it some "heat". When we were done, we tested it out. This structure gives the feeling of a cold, desolate industrial kind of area, with a touch of heat, but not like warm-happy-good-feeling heat... a nasty, hot, sweaty, yukky hot heat-ness. Satisfied with our job. We praised God and left, thankful that He has given us these awesome gifts, and grateful that we are able to use them for His Glory!

I recently read a blog that puts the female gender in not too good of a light. I'd like to make an adendem to my prayers for a girlfriend. God, when I meet this woman that You are preparing me for, please allow her to fit almost seamlessly into my life. Please give me the strength to be my own person, and allow me the knowledge I need to combine my "worlds". Also, please remind me to not forget about my other friends and hurt people as many have done to me in the past, present, and I'm sure will happen again in the future. Grant me peace in knowing that one day I'll meet her, and that it will be a joy for You to see two of Your children bonded on a deep level. Thank You for this day, and for all the blessings in my life, especially those that I may not recognize and take for granted. Your loving servant, Scott.

I have found that certain people can affect your mood. Not so much mood, really, as affecting your feelings. I have this one friend, and it never fails that if I'm in a bad mood and I talk to them, I usually end up feeling better or at least my mood has lightened a little bit, and the opposite is true. When this friend is sad or depressed, I experience it, too. Not quite to the same degree or level they are, but I shift a little bit. Maybe it's something like sympathy pains or that sort. Or maybe it's just because I care so much about this person and have so much invested that I really feel what they're going through. My friend is the greatest. I sometimes want to be selfish and keep this person to myself, but that's not right. I hope everyone in some way or another has a friend like mine. Here's to you, friend!

Good things happen to those who wait. But sometimes you have to help it along.

Update: I've talked about a job in a couple of blogs over the past couple weeks. Well, I just want to say that I am looking more forward to the job as each day passes. My only sadness is that I won't see my church family for two weeks. Bummer.

Think about these for a moment.

- No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

- Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

- A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

- The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

- Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

- To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

- Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

- Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

- Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

- There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

- Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

- Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

Music is a window to the soul.

I feel great today. I don't really have anything to do, but it doesn't really matter. I woke up this morning, and went back to sleep... and then I didn't wake up until almost noon. Something I haven't done in a LONG time. I usually wake up around nine o'clock, and get out of bed to at least feel productive. But I guess my body was trying to tell me something, trying to tell me that I went from zero to sixty in 0.34 seconds, and that it wasn't quite ready for that. I'm gearing up for a really busy two weeks, so I think that makes me enjoy the regular lazy days a little better, and not feel like I HAVE to have something to do. It's nice to have stuff to do, but it's more fun to have people to do stuff with!

Ah, Thank God for today!

It's hard when someone you care about is hurting and you feel like you have an emotionally helpful equivalent of two left feet.

I want to do more, friend!

To edit a friend's blog a little:

It's hard when someone you care about disappoints you ANY time.

Quinten Tarantino has been watching WAY too much Anime lately.

I got the chance to watch Kill Bill today, practically had the theater to myself. Thankfully, and unknowingly, a friend of mine had warned me about a certain part of the movie, that I definitely would not have wanted to see. I kind of guess from the situation that that was where the particular event would occur... so I averted my eyes until I heard the slashing sound and a cry of pain from a man's Achilles tendon being severed. I very much agree with the same friend on the movie. I think it was very well written, and the characters were developed very well, but it was like I was looking at a painting... something people say, "That looks nice" and "I love the (insert what you love here)." I haven't seen many of Tanatino's movies, but I've heard that he really likes to show movies out of order (in a sense), and I know that other movies that have been like that I have sometimes had a difficult time following the plot lines. But in Kill Bill, I often found myself going, "OOOoooHHhhhh..., I get it." I was a little sad that Lucy Liu's character died in this volume, I would've loved to see that Nurse chick get it in the stomach, and let Liu live on to the next movie.

It was a good escape for a couple hours. I can't wait for Volume Two!

Sometimes people stumble, and when that happens we shouldn't say, "You always do that", we should say, "here, let me help you up, and find a way for you to not trip like that again."

Today really is mine. Today, I am selfish. Today, I am making ME happy. Sorry world, solve your own problems, today, I don't care!

God, give me understanding.

Good morning world! I have something to look forward to today!

Hey God, I'm working on my part... how about you? Any progress?

One of the saddest truths about people, is that they forget. One instance of forgetting is that of a friend who becomes involved with someone and suddenly they don't have a lot of time for their friend. I've witnessed this more times than I can count, and I've experienced it more times than that. It's hurtful. It makes you feel unimportant in others lives. God, if this is a lesson, I think You've taught me well. Please don't allow me to put any of my friends through this if I meet someone. I want to incorporate that person into my life, not neglect my life for that person. I want to add on to my life, not replace it. Forgive me if I've hurt others in this way, and please grant me peace in this area.

I really enjoyed having things to do this past week. Things to keep me busy, people to talk to. Mostly I really enjoyed being out of my apartment, and with people. Right now, all I have is the TV.

... awww, who am I kidding, I'm just going to waste my day around my apartment until something better comes along. I hate this part of me. The part of me that won't allow myself to call and ask someone to go do something because they may say that they're busy, which will just feel like rejection. So I just sit and wait until someone plans something and invites me... or until my regular weekly events happen.

What a sad part of life.

I'm getting out of here. Today is mine! I would like to direct your attention to a blog posted on Friday, October 17, 2003 @ 12:30am, and then at 12:30pm.
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"Friday will be my day to catch up on all the movies my friends have gone to see without me. Just me, Kill Bill, School of Rock, and an empty seat right next to me... just like old times.

This is going to be pathetic." -12:30am
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Love. Sacrifice. Laughter. Compassion. A hug. A kind word.
These are the greatest tools of friendship. Remember them. Use them.

BE them. -12:30pm
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Well, I feel I've done one of those things, but not the other. Time to do the other, unless of course it becomes necessary not to in order to do the other one again...

and I would do it again, without thought.

The mixed feelings I was talking about yesterday... well, I can't say that I'm happy, but I'm not really sad. Just in an even kind of mood, I guess. When you've been really happy for a few days in a row and had plenty to do, even an even kind of mood feels bad.

Worried. Not to the point that it's debilitating, but enough that it's usually in my mind somewhere. Quiet times... it's the worst. Distractions are a good thing, but only for a short while, eventually I need to deal with my worry. Needless to say, I'm worried.

I have mixed feelings about tomorrow. I want it to come, so I can see what great things can happen in my life and in others lives. I don't want it to come, because I've had such a great weekend, and I don't want it to end. I wouldn't be surprised if I have some withdrawal symptoms tomorrow.

As you can tell, Saturday I went on a retreat to Red River Gorge with some of the most awesome people I know and have met. We spent all day in prayer and contemplation and community. And then we went rock climging and hiking. Then today, I got to spend some more time with a great friend of mine. We saw a musical called "Bat Boy". One of the coolest shows I've seen, by far. It's one of those shows you really just need to see in order to understand... and then we went to eat, and then I went to church and was supposed to answer a question pertaining to what we had gotten out of our small groups on Tuesday night. I listened to all the other people answer their questions, and they all sounded eloquent and passionate and great... then it was my turn, and I just felt like a big idiot... I don't know if I even made any sense, or if I was even putting whole thoughts together in any kind of order... but I really enjoyed the service, the music was especially great tonight. Then I stayed to help take down the environment and some of went out to eat, and I had a lot of fun. It may not seem like I'm portraying the intensity of this weekend or the amount of postive vibes that I received, but it was incredible. So I think I may be a little down tomorrow.

I hope I'm wrong.

Miscelaneous thoughts, sayings, feelings from today:
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- He'll never give you a bigger challenge than you can handle.

- "I desire more desire"

- "Where's Stick!? ... STICK!!"

- Searching for a travel companion

- I need to read more C.S. Lewis

- "Why does everything have to be so complicated?"

- Burning Bush --- Burning Heart --- Burning Desire

- I've been given an amazing, peaceful, warm gift call the love of God, and of friends.

After a rousing game of paper, rock, scissors, and a rest stop, I'm back to writing in my paper "blog", so I can type it out later. The road is mostly smooth again, and I'm feeling much better. This trip was the closest thing to rock climbing that I've ever done, and just being outdoors was amaing. The group of people that I was with really made the day... especially since I was able to share it with my best friend. I had one weak moment this afternoon where I would have likee to shar the moment with a significant other... but it was only a feleetign moment, particularly after I looked back around and noticed I was surrounded by loving and caring friends, and again looking nex to me to see my friend Stephanie. God, You are truly amazing. How great it is to see all these people share themselves with you and each other. Lord, thank You for EVERTYTHING. Thank you for sending these people into my life.

Thank You for Stephanie and Ben for pushing me, challenging me, helping me grow as a Christian, and getting me involved in this church.

This has truly been an awesome and amazing experience. I never really know what to expect on trips or events like these, but I definitely feel challenged, and peaceful, and even a little better about myself and life in general. The overall package of this retreat was great. Getting the chance to just personally reflect in nature with God set me up for the rest of the day. I really enjoyed being able to get away and talk with these people outside our normal environments. The walk/hike was amazing with some great moments of reflection and contemplation for me. There were also plenty of opportunities to take great photos. We had a blast with some of the rock formations and levels to create some interesting scenes. Now three people are passing the time by playing paper, rock, scissors.

... I think I'll join them.

What an experience!! That's all I can write until we hit straight level pavement. Car Sick. Not scared this time, though.

I don't know how well I can write in the car right now, but I'd like to say that this is the lowest part of this trip. I am getting Sooooo car sick that I'm about to cry. Winding curvy roads. It sucks to be in the back seat. We're on our way to the Gorge. I can't wait to get out and hike and be with these awesome people and God!

It's fun to imagine older people doing things you'd never expect of them. Like wrestling... or mud wrestling. Or doing backflips down a hallway naked.

"I desire more desire."

Hoedown Island... what a great name for a place!

Sitting in a peaceful and quiet place is a thing I need to do more often. It is so much easier to reflect on your day and to admire the beautiful gifts God has given to us when we are not distracted by "things"; T.V., internet, games, CD's, etc. I'm going to make it a goal of mine to take at least one day a week to just kind of get away, to sit some place quiet and reflect and think and pray. Thank You, Lord, for this peaceful place, my life, my friends, and my salvation.

As I was writing and reflectiong while looking over the trees and the lake and the hills, and basking in all their beauty, I came to a particular thought that just stopped me in my tracks. I could go no further, I was blocked. After a couple minutes of this blockage, a single leaf fell from a tree somewhere around me and it landed right on my knee. Suddenly the wrote freely again. I felt very much at peach. It was kind of like a quick "hello" from God, and Him saying, "thanks for thinking of Me, here's a little something to remind you that I'm thinking of you."

...Thank you, God.

Challenge: Dive into scripture!!
Desire: Cannonball out of comfort zone; be who God intended

I love this church (Crossroads). Especially how great the people are, and how welcoming and safe you can feel there and with them. It's a feeling I've only felt on a very small scale before, and it's a completely freeing feeling and sensation!

God is Great!

What a beautiful day! I was up earlier than I had been in a while. I started my day before the SUN even clocked in. The best parts up until this point were getting to see my best friend the first thing in the morning and getting to share watching the sunrise with some of the warmest and coolest people I know.

And the day has just started!

I've been very fortunate the past week. But the past couple of days got me a little down. I missed getting to talk with and see my friend. I guess I'm going through withdrawal from her. Luckily, I get another dose tomorrow! I just hope I'm feeling somewhere between 75 and 95% of my full self for the retreat, I'm really looking forward to it!

A new day is dawning in my evening! The choirs are rejoicing, the angels are harking, and the hamsters are running! I have the internet again after three days!!!!!!!!! Ah, my poor blog, how you've been neglected by my irritation at this mass data transmission superhighway!

Being sick really sucks. I remember as a kid being sick and watching the rest of the neighborhood kids play as usual through my front window. Even if I was beginning to feel better, there was no way that Mom would've let me go play. "Too sick for school, too sick for play". That was the one way my Mom kept me from faking being sick... she knew that I might be a little sick, but that I could probably tough it out, and if I did and felt really crappy when I came home, then the next day I wouldn't go to school at all. My mom had me figured out. The days I was REALLY sick, I would try to go to school and tell mom I was fine. If I would try to convince her that I was sick, she would convince me to go to school. The funny thing is, sometimes she went ahead and let me stay home. She always seemed to know when I was faking something, but just because I needed a kind of personal day. It didn't happen all the time. I must admit, right around the time my father passed away, it happened more often, and later in life, mom asked me, and I told her how much I faked it, and she knew. I love my mom. But this story isn't meant to be about her. It's about being sick, and how much you feel like you miss out when you stay at home. I have a bunch of friends that I'm really missing right now, because they are all bowling. I'm not just missing out on the bowling, but the forging ahead of relationships and friendships. Now I feel doubly miserable. And what's worse, the internet doesn't work right now (9:29pm) and so I can't even check my e-mail or anything.

I feel so cut-off right now.

A very unusual couple of days for me. Yesterday, I went to have lunch with my friend in Lexington. It was great. I always love having lunch with her. Some of the best conversations I've ever had are with her. She's such an intelligent person. Anyway, I'm kind of straying from the point. So, I had parked in a parking garage, like I always do when I visit her. I was planning on grabbing some cash from an ATM in order to pay for the parking when I left. Well, this is where the strangeness starts. I try an ATM, my pin # won't work. So I call my friend, and she doesn't have any cash and wouldn't be able to get any. I ask her if there are any banks or businesses that might cash a check around there, she directs me to a few, so I walk to a couple businesses and noone will cash a check, not even with purchase or anything. I go to two different banks and of course they won't cash checks drawn on another bank or they won't cash a check unless you have an account. So I call my friend back. And basically the plan was for me to just hang around in downtown until she got off work, and then she could drive me around the rest of the day, I could get some cash from SOMEWHERE and I'd ride back with her in the morning. So that began my exploration of downtown Lexington. I sat inside Starbucks for about 30-45 minutes, then I walked around and looked inside stores and the like. I finally found a place to waste a good amount of time. There's this nice Restaurant/Billiards Hall/Bar inside Heritage Hall called Yesterday's. The atmosphere is really neat and nice. They play a lot of blues and jazz music. I was the only person in there other than the bar tender. Eventually playing pool by yourself just gets old, and by that time it was a little after four o'clock. I started doing a little more exploring of downtown, and then my friend called me (she's super-sweet) to check up on me and see how I was doing, and to offer me a seat in the lobby of the office she works in. Since there wasn't too much longer left before she was free to go, I went ahead and met her there. After that, I went with her to see her father in the hospital. And I had a very nice visit with her parents and her. It almost didn't even feel like we were in a hospital, we were joking around and just talking about this and that... the only thing that kept reminding me we were in a hospital was the fact that a nurse would check in every so often to take his blood pressure, or to make sure his IV was still chugging along. After that, she had rehearsal, and I tagged along. After rehearsal she had plans to go out with some of her gal friends, and I tagged along there as well. I felt kind of bad, because I know that people need to have their away spaces and times and that sort. The whole night I felt like an old piece of luggage being drug around...

She made me feel like a jewel carried on a pillow, and displayed me proudly.

I find myself not as pleased or happy with a situation as I thought I would. In my last 'blog' I mentioned getting a job that would last just over two weeks. If I had been offered the job at the end of September or the beginning of October, I would have been thrilled to get it. Now, I feel as if I might be shirking some duty that I've come to accept as a God led purpose for my life for the time being. I find my mind and my heart in a tug of war between a selfishness and a friend. I want to be here for my friend at this point in her life. I don't want to feel like I'm abandoning her. A thought that I'm very ashamed to admit to (Stephanie, please forgive me for thinking it) was, "Well, maybe he'll die before I have to leave". I don't want him to die at all. Who ever in their right mind WANTS someone to die? Stephanie, and more recently, her family has begun to mean a lot to me. I find myself very easily attached to a family, especially one with as much love and potential for love as hers has. Her dad is almost like a dad to me, not that he's ever been like a father figure, or anything, but just he's always been very kind to me and joked around with me, and made me feel welcome. I want to be around for Stephanie and her mom and her dad for as long as he's around. Everything about these past few months feels like it's been leading me and preparing me to be available for her and her family. And now, I get what I've been wanting for a while, but I feel uncertain. I want to be here for them. Do I not need to be?

What do You want of me? What am I to do?